Videogame junkies beware
Mortal Maskot -- The next generation of animated fun

Gordon Reid

I'm always up for an idea that can make me rich -- quickly. So, on the rare occasion that I get a half-decent idea, I grab it. It was with this in mind that my current pet project came into being.

I was in the car with my two brothers, Kelly and Chad, having just seen the movie Mortal Kombat. For the uninitiated, Mortal Kombat is a violent and graphic fighting style video game. It has spawned two sequels and, most recently, a full-length feature movie. We were playing with the idea of of creating a spin-off (read "rip-off") game so that we might share in the profits.

The first suggestion was to pit different rodents against each other and to call it Mortal Wombat. This was soon replaced with such ideas as Wortal Wopat (characters from the Dukes of Hazzard) and Mortal Kombines (farm implements). Eventually Kelly brought up the idea of Mortal Maskot, which would have corporate mascots duelling to their animated demise.

We quickly thought to ourselves, "What would be a better combination?" Melding the gore and graphic violence demanded by discriminating 14-year olds with the pop-culture icons we're force fed by two decades of advertising was brilliant. What more could you ask for?

After a bit of deliberation, 12 Kombatants were decided upon. These included easily recognizible characters such as Ronald McDonald and the Pillsbury Doughboy. Other potential contestants with almost equal prominence, like Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes) and Joe Camel (Camel Cigarettes) had to be excluded to maintain consumer demand. Our final choices are as follows:

THE KOMBATANTS

Alpha-Bits Wizard (Alpha-Bits) -- Of all the cereal maskots, he had to be the absolute wimpiest. "The Wiz, in a brawl?" you might ask. Well, deep inside the S-P-O-O-N- spelling heart of his lurks a killer instinct.
Motive: Lost a bet while really baked.
Special Move: Calls upon a swarm of Killer Bs. Get it, Killer Bs?
Fatality Move: Spells A-N-V-I-L above opponent's head.

Kool-Aid Man (Kool-Aid) -- Recently, I've begun to doubt the Kool-Aid Man. He's sold out, I tell you. On the whim of the ad execs, he's grown a torso, started to play the guitar and surf, simply to sell himself to a younger generation. He's lost his deep, raspy voice and he doesn't even burst through brick walls anymore.
Motive: Crusading to find a cure for Muscular Distrophy...wait a minute, that's Jerry Lewis.
Special Move: Disappears, only to burst through the background and trample opponent.
Fatality Move: Drowns opponent in his head.

Lil' Sprout (Green Giant Vegetables) -- Always overshadowed by his grotesquely large friend, the Sprout has been overlooked as a potential threat. He could surprise a few non-believers. Apparently, he's a distant relative of the Incredible Hulk.
Motive: Using tournament as a warm-up before potentially fatal confrontation with the man from Del Monte.
Special Move: Astounds opponent by showing exactly what is under that leafy green loincloth he always wears.
Fatality Move: Giant green foot squashes opponent accompanied by ominous-sounding "Ho ho ho."

Lucky the Leprechaun (Lucky Charms) -- I'll bet that just one of those times you saw Lucky being chased around his always-sunny little world by those annoying pre-teen stalkers, you wanted to see him create a rocket launcher and take their heads off. Well, now you can.
Motive: Wait until those pestering kids see him now.
Special Move: Pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers and brass knuckles.
Fatality Move: "I'll make a balloon and fly away...oh, to hell with it, a .45 will do just fine.

Mrs. Butterworth (Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup) -- Once thought to be hampered by the evident lack of legs and matronly demeanour, this syrup-sellin' mama has a mean streak wider than an Uncle Buck birthday pancake.
Motive: Believes one of the Kombatants is responsible for the kidnapping of her close friend, Aunt Jemima.
Special Move: Falls to the ground and steamrolls opponent.
Fatality Move: Calls in a favour from her 22 rough-and-tumble cousins who play anually in the Bud Bowl.

Pillsbury Doughboy (Pillsbury Baking Products) -- Remember how the innocent-looking Mr. Staypuft wreaked havoc on downtown New York in Ghostbusters? It took four men armed with portable nuclear reactors to stop him. Imagine the destruction that the Doughboy can cause.
Motive: Trying to impress Jodie Foster.
Special Move: High-pitched giggle stuns opponent.
Fatality Move: Giant disembodied finger enters from side of screen, impales opponent and pokes Doughboy's stomach.

Mr. Peanut (Planter's Peanuts) -- Easily the classiest act in the tourney, Mr. Peanut is looking to shed his rather nutty image and show his surly, salty side.
Motive: Needs extra money to support age-old VLT and herion addictions.
Special Move: Cane doubles as a billy club when necessary.
Fatality Move: Freshly roasts opponent.

Ronald McDonald (McDonald's) -- Behind that "happy clown" exterior and those giant red shoes lies a troubled psyche. Ronald has a number of repressed childhood memories that often trigger violent responses.
Motive: Adrenaline junkie.
Special Move: Spills scalding coffee on opponents crotch.
Fatality Move: Dips opponent in deep fryer and creates November's Taste of the Month.

Snuggle Bear (Snuggle Fabric Softener) -- Well, every fighting game needs a whipping boy.
Motive: Trying to impress Corey Anscomb.
Special Move: Offers fluffy towel to opponent.
Fatality Move: Looks really cute (awwww...).

Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird (Cocoa Puffs) -- How can I resist putting our favorite spasmodic bird into the melee? Sonny exhibits a boisterous nature and is prone to explosive outbursts. Is this an indicator of psychosis? You decide.
Motive: Needs extra exposure for upcoming Winnipeg mayoral election...wait a minute, that's Natalie Pollock.
Special Move: Sprays opponent with pepper spray smuggled over the border.
Fatality Move: Forces opponent to write faculty of engineering admissions test.

Sugar Bear (Sugar Crisp) -- Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp? Wanna know why? It's because of all the sedative drugs they put in the stuff. The little tune that Sugar Bear sings is laced with subliminal messages asking you to buy Chia Pets. And what the hell is the deal with the bike anyway.
Motive: Needs a pick-me-up after his tragic loss in the Tour de France.
Special Move: Lulls opponent to sleep with mellow voice.
Fatality Move: "I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!" "Why a spoon, Sugar Bear?" "Because it'll hurt more!"

Toucan Sam (Froot Loops) -- Sam has been haunted by nightmares the last few months. Why? Because he can't deal with the guilt of knocking off Rory Tait in the qualification round of the tournament.
Motive: All of a sudden, the wild parties and free sex don't cut it anymore.
Special Move: Gives good beak.
Fatality Move: Tells opponent exactly what FDA Yellow #5 really is.

Now that the cast of characters (minus a few secret characters, like the Honeycomb Kid) has been assembled, we can pass the information to the programmers and graphic artists to be encoded. We also have to commission a some deejays to put together a half-decent soundtrack.

No real video game franchise is complete unless it's followed by a dearth of sequels (a la Donkey Kong/Donkey Kong Jr./Donkey Kong Country/Mario Bros./Super Mario Bros./Dr. Mario, etc.). Any good sequel needs flashy new features. Thus, Mortal Maskot II will have a tag-team feature. You'll be able to pit your favourite mascot teams against each other. Imagine the potential contests:

The Campbell Soup Kids versus Freddie and Eddie.
The Tetley Tea Professors versus the Keebler Elves.
The Purex Pillows versus Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Of course, we can't forget the Cereal Three (Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Booberry) versus the 7-Up Spots.

No rip-off is perfect without taking elements from more than one victim. Realizing this, we're stealing the "Intermission" feature from the Street Fighter series. Instead of going after a German luxury car, our Kombatants are going to vent their frustrations on the Green Drop Guy (the weeble-shaped green thing that Buzz and Boomer use as a punching bag every Bombers home game). He's horribly over-cute and has no chance to resist. Perfect for the blood-hungry, domineering types.

I can imagine the money rolling in now -- I'll be rich. Maybe then I can impress Jodie Foster. I can see it now: me and Jodie walking town the beach outside of our Santa Barbara oceanfront property, looking for a guy in a green felt weeble costume.

This article first ran in The Manitoban, Vol. 83, No. 8 (October 4, 1995). This was my first article for the Features section, a fact that should be obvious to the reader. Firstly, I used the word "giant" three times, not including as part of a product name. Couldn't I have thought of synonyms? "Enormous?" "Huge?" "Gargantuan?" Nope. Also note the alternation between the American and the Canadian/British spellings of "favorite." This, however, I can blame on the Copy Editor.

One reference does require an explanation. Corey Anscomb was, at the time, a bigwig in the Arts Student Body Council (ASBC) and president of a rival fraternity, Phi Delta Theta. Because he was relatively prominent on campus and, well, "Flav," he became the butt of more than one of my jokes. In person, he was always decent to me. Perhaps it was because I had the power to slander his name across campus. Or maybe it was because he was dating a girl with whom I went to high school.

A few years later, I found a folded-up cut-out of this article had been kept by a girl I knew, "T." (look for her on the Crappy Ex-GF Rants page). At the time, I thought she was sane and somewhat desirable, although a bit buck-toothed and overly attached to her hamster. In retrospect (after she gave me the clap and stalked my roommate -- cue horror movie soundtrack), the thought creeps me out.