Duh, okay Knuckles

Gord (Knuckles) Reid, Toban Staff

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you wish you could just shut yourself up in a little room and eat nothing but Twinkies, iced with Duncan Hines chocolate frosting, while watching Growing Pains re-runs? I just did. Mmmm...frosting.

Dear Knuckles,
Alas, poor Janet from Three's Company. Why could she never get that hound dog Jack?
-- Marcy Rietze, Education III

There is a very good reason for this, Marcy. John Ritter, who played Jack (the canine in question), had a clause in his contract prohibiting any romantic plot developments with Janet, played by Joyce Dewitt.

Ritter had done some research and found that the boyishly cute Joyce Dewitt had once been Joe Dewitt, a plumber from Des Moines, Iowa. Ms./Mr. Dewitt spent an extended vacation in Sweden with family a few years before getting the Three's Company job. After learning this, Ritter became hesitant even performing on the same stage as Dewitt. However, acting with busty blonde bimbos proved no problem for him.

Dear Knuckles,
Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, did he not complain about having to stand in straw soaked in his own urine?
-- Mike Hall, Arts IV

What is essential to understand in this case is the fact that having the capacity to speak doesn't necessarily mean that you have the capacity to make rational choices. Often people (and talking horses) lack this presence of mind and have a habit of making half-assed (no pun intended) statements that are usually false, rash and offensive. Take, for example, Jacques Parizeau.

Mr. Ed, although brilliant as horses go, was not the most astute person to deal with, even by Hollywood standards. He had the habit of flubbing his lines and the biting the unlucky director's assistant who had to correct him.

Mr. Ed was "put out to pasture" after unsuccessfully campaigning to replace the mascot of the American Democratic Party.

E-mail your questions to umreid12@cc.umanitoba.ca or drop them off at the Toban. I will give you prizes, even if I don't know you. (Ed. note: I knew it was dangerous to give this guy power!)

That reminds me, Marcy Rietze c'mon down! You've just won yourself something that may or may not be edible. You'll have to show up at the Manitoban office to find out.

This article first ran in The Manitoban, Vol. 83, No. 15 (November 22, 1995). This is what I consider to be my first "good" column. I eased back on the cheesy comments and let the jokes creep out subtly. My pop culture references were less obvious and much less low-brow than previous columns.

All at once, I spoiled many people's image of Joyce Dewitt. Some dark, evil part of me wants readers of this column to watch episodes of Three's Company in hopes of seeing hints of facial hair, a crotch bulge or an adam's apple on Janet. Plus, insinuating that John Ritter is homophobic, albeit slightly libelous, is also a bit subversive.

As for Twitch, there was no way in hell he was getting a prize out of me. I think an early draft the column made mention of Francis the Talking Mule, but that was cut when the column topped out as being too long.