Duh, okay Knuckles

Gord (Knuckles) Reid, Toban Staff

I love eating free food. I'll be honest: if you want to buy my affection, all you have to do is feed me. I'm not even that fussy...some rice would do just fine (assuming that it's cooked). It may sound mercenary, but so does free-agency.

On another totally and completely unrelated note, I just wanted to remark that I am usually found in the Manitoban office on Saturday evenings before 9:00 p.m.

Dear Knuckles,
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-- Jason Paas, Music IV

Wow. That hurts just to think abowt it. I just dont kno wy awl wurds arnt speld the wa thay sownd. Wudnt it be much ezier to comunikayt with eech uther if we cud just sa wut we meen. I think that peepul wuld awl be frends.

Dear Knuckles,
Who is the woman behind the telephone registration system, and why does she hate me?
-- Amelia Walker, Science II

The unknown, but oh-so familiar voice that prompts you to "please enter your request" is actually Majel Barrett, the computer voice from the recent Star Trek series. Majel, coincidentally, is the widow of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry. I asked about Majel's current marital status, and got nothing but nervous stares.

One of my contacts in Puerto Rico then informed me of Majel's secret tryst and marriage to a mysterious man, who looked strangely like an unnamed university administrator. Hrmmm...

Amelia, that sounds so dignified. I don't know how anyone (even Majel Barrett) could dislike anybody with suck a beautiful name. Maybe Majel thinks that you're trying to steal her little "lumpy-wumpy-bumpkin," as she calls her new husband. Have you been spending too much time around the administration building?

Jason Paas...if you really, really, really, really want, you can pick up your prize at the Manitoban office (105 University Centre). If you don't want it, I'm sure there are others who would want it. I didn't ruin the surprise, did I? If you have a question for me, please, please, please, either drop it off at the Toban office or e-mail me at <umreid12@cc.umanitoba.ca>.

This article first ran in The Manitoban, Vol. 83, No. 19 (January 10, 1996). I had over a month to prepare this column, and I think that its quality (compared to its immediate predecessors) shows that. First I was bumped from the December 6 edition due to space limitations, then from the December 13 issue because of the annual Women's Supplement. Following that paper, the Toban staff broke for four weeks to accomodate exams and the Christmas holidays.

The column's introduction sheds light on what would become a recurring theme of my Toban tenure: free stuff. I parlayed my staff positions into free CDs, movie passes, books, shirts, stickers and other assorted goodies. Being the dog that I was at the time, I also parlayed the notoriety of being a columnist in a weekly campus newspaper into chances to score with women. Man, I miss that job.

I knew Jason Paas from my two years in the Canadian Armed Forces reserves. I drilled with the Queen's Own Cameron Highlanders of Canada, and he played oboe with the regimental band of our rivals, the Royal Winnipeg Rifles. Paas, or "Padre," as he became known one summer in Alberta and I bonded on the return trip from the PPCLI Battle School in Wainwright, Alberta. I should thank him now (assuming he ever Googles himself) for helping me learn how to drive standard. I should also apologize for not helping him plan his wedding social...sorry Jason.

Amelia (Amy) Walker was a member of one of the sororities on campus, Alpha Phi. The Phis were the only ladies who would put up with us DUs on a semi-regular basis, meaning that I would run into Amy frequently. I'd met her while still in high school -- we both sang in Provincial Honours Choir in 1993. Amy was very striking, very thin (almost frail-looking), with very beautiful, long brown hair, which contrasted well with her porcelain complexion. Although I found her attractive, I was never really attracted to Amy. I spent most of the time we were friends harboring crushes (sometimes requited, usually not) on her sorority sisters. Plus there was that whole issue of her only being able to tolerate me in small doses, something that I understand well now.

I have no idea what the whole "really, really" and "please, please" thing was about, likely a silly in-joke that's been lost in the foggy recesses of my brain.