Lord pity the arse that's clagged to the head that hunts for rocks.

-- James Hutton, father of modern geology, lamenting a long journey on horseback and its effect on his ass in 1774. Currently my .sig file.

Tracy: Go ahead, ask me what kind of meat I would be.
Me: Okay, what kind of meat would you be?
Tracy: A rump roast, because there's nothing like a good piece of ass!

-- An exchange that took place between Tracy Rettig (then a near-complete stranger, but now a trusted friend) and me while at Perkins with my fraternity brother Eric Robert and Tracy's friend Julie, sometime during Spring/Summer 1997.

Gord, I think the Anti-Christ is spawning in my sinuses.

-- Kristin, feeling sorry about herself whilst sick with the flu on 1/28/99.

Because the first one obviously wasn't fucking good enough for Kristin, or, in her munificent words: "completely wrong," because it is certainly obvious that she is omniscient, omnipotent and omnifluent in comparison to my own meager, pathetic existence.

-- Me, as written on a graph for Geochemistry lab #5 (late January '99), after being chided by Kristin. Please note the dripping sarcasm and dubious grammar.

Just suck on it; it'll eventually come off.

-- Nicole Cates, in reference to a sucker wrapper (if memory serves me correctly) during a Geochemistry lecture on 2/22/99.

That's not the first time I've heard that today.

-- Me, in response to Nicole's previous comment, also on 2/22/99.

It comes inside Neptune.

-- Dr. George Clark, describing the orbit of Pluto during a Geology and Geophysics of the Planets lecture on 9/13/99.

I hope it doesn't get Neptune pregnant.

-- Me to Kristin immediately following the above comment, showing genuine concern for our eighth planet.

Sometimes you just need penetration.

-- A somewhat drunk Karen Kay Hoffman (my fiancee) to me, her sister and brother-in-law while on an errand between the ceremony and dance of her cousin's wedding, 9/17/99.

Here's a loess; there's a loess.

-- Dr. J. T. Teller, interpreting a slide during a Glacial Geology and Geomorphology lecture, 9/27/99.

Everywhere a loess-loess.

-- Me and Shannon Johnston to each other simultaneously, immediately following the above comment.

Sit your greasy grad student ass on the seat and pee there.

-- Kristin to me, Nicole and Shannon, in reference to the "globules" of urine left on the seat of one of the toilets in the Wallace Bldg, 10/12/99.

I don't like Greeks; they all look like Yanni to me.

-- Mandy Hill, expounding on why Greece is not her #1 holiday destination during a Sedimentology lab on 10/13/99.

You can tie a string around me and float me home.

-- Kelly Lewis, remarking about his gas and possible ulcer while at the Delta Upsilon Manitoba Chapter 70th Anniversary Formal Dinner and Dance, 10/23/99.

I don't like 'em big, but I'll take 'em big.

-- Brian Drader on his taste in women during "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!", 10/24/99.

In Igneous class
Trace element overheads
Safari shirt George
See discrimination plots
On the overhead

-- The Igneous Petrology Tanka, written by me on 10/28/99 (and edited on 11/19/99).

Those aren't warts; they're "love nodules!"

-- An ex-co-worker of mine (I have since forgotten his name), in reference to a Hallowe'en rave that he was going to, which was being held in a not-so-nice part of the city. Occured in the lunch room at work on 10/30/99.

Ooh Gord, you have magic hands!

-- Lisa Wolynec, while receiving a massage from yours truly on 11/3/99.

What would your head look like on a stick?

-- My Karen Kay, after seeing the trailer for American Psycho, 11/13/99.

Probably the exact opposite than it does now.

-- Me in response, commenting about my "rotund" body, a point that Karen rather enjoys mentioning when teasing me.

We don't need to listen to Gord.

-- Dr. Ian Ferguson to his Intro Geophysics class while closing the classroom door, after hearing me singing a happy tune while walking in the hallway on 11/29/99.

He could wear mukluks and a flannel shirt...

-- Me, thinking aloud about the hypothetical male stripper "Mr. Alaska" while out for dinner with some friends on 11/30/99.

...and a doggie! And a whip!

-- Shannon, adding a completely different perspective to "Mr. Alaska."

You know it's a friend when a goat comes in your ear.

-- As sung by Shannon, after I had snuck up behind her and bleated (goat-like) in her ear. This occured after having dinner with a few friends at Brannigan's on 12/10/99.

Don't worry Bryan, I'll guide you in!

-- My fraternity brother and roommate Karl Rossing, as he lept out of Bryan Savage's car and into traffic on Route 90 in order to wave Bryan past a stalled car. All this took place on a major thoroughfare, on slushy roads and on Boxing Day.

The Year 2000 is the "Year of My Cock!"

-- Me, as videotaped by Shawn Kehoe at the fraternity's New Year's Eve party shortly before midnight. The evidence shows me pulling out the aforementioned cock as I was saying this.

Some people just look better wet.

-- Christine Lambert to me on 1/7/00, regarding the trend of filming male teen stars (Leo DiCaprio, the Backstreet Boys, etc...) in the rain, swimming or freezing to death in the north Atlantic.

Kristin: (handing the beverage menu to me, pointing to a drink called The Hurricane) Gord, take a look at this.
Gord (me): (looks at the menu)
Kristin: That'll put hair on your ass.
Gord: Are you getting it?
Kristin: No, I don't want hair on my ass.
Gord: I meant the drink, silly.

-- An exchange that took place between me and Kristin at Cajun Charlie's, a restaurant in downtown Calgary, on 1/14/00. I highly recommend this restaurant, as I had the best meal of my life there.

There's a big, empty space where there once was a sexual desire. You've ruined it for me.

-- Dianne Michalak, immediately after being straddled and riden erotically by me in the graduate students' lounge following a WIUGC Organizing Committee meeting on 1/26/00.

We can build a mass spectrometer; we'd make beautiful mass spectrometers together.

-- Kristin, on why she would choose Dr. Clark for her graduate advisor if she decided to pursue her Master's degree at the U of M, while awaiting dinner at Applebee's on 2/2/00. I doubt her reasons are as wholesome as some may believe. :)

One man's dryer sheet is another man's dental dam.

-- My ex-roommate and fraternity brother Diano Marrone, as he vacated the dryer for my use on 2/11/00. You should note that his kinda-sorta GF Lesley was in the room at the time. :)

We're the enema that this university so desperately needs.

-- Me, on several occasions and to several people when explaining the election campaign run by me and Shawn during February 2000. For more details, please see the Campaign page.

Women's curling is a great way to publicize asswipe.

-- Kelly, expounding on the Scott Tournament of Hearts on 2/27/00.

Gord (me): Dianne's a necrophiliac.
Dianne: A narcoleptic necrophiliac.
Gord: Dianne sleeps with the dead.
Dianne: No, I just sleep!
-- An exchange that took place between me and Dianne during a heart-to-heart conversation in her office on 3/6/00. As always, she's going to hate me when she reads this...

Warning. Hitchhikers may be escaping inmates.

-- Actual roadsign posted on Interstate 44, about 20 miles east of Tulsa, OK.

Houston, you have a problem.

-- Me, to my Karen Kay after mutually deciding that the City of Houston is a shithole in which we will never live, June 28, 2000.

That's the only reason I go home...my mom's ass!!!

-- Derek Lewis to me during our fraternity borther Julian's wedding social on the night of July 22, 2000. Mmm...Elaine.

I have many fish-shaped voids.

-- Me, while discussing my reasons for buying goldfish with Kelly on 8/18/00.

Gord, what's a buttplug?

-- Kristin, during a conversation with myself and Jenn Boychuk at Perkins, late August, 2000.

It's a plug you stick in your butt.

-- My response, thinking that the name would be self-explanatory.

I called it my "facey-hurty" disease.

-- Kristin, lamenting her achy-breaky visage on September 8, 2000.

This is a football game; you don't drink caesars! You either drink beer or your own urine.

-- Me to Mike (Twitch) Hall on his choice of beverages during the Winnipeg-Saskatchewan football game on Sept. 30, 2000. The Bombers won.

You look really cute in a lab coat...kind of like in a porno.

-- Christine, remarking on Kristin's laboratory attire sometime in early October, 2000.

Hope your birthday is a "colon-airy" delight!

-- Kelly, in an inscription on my birthday card on 10/15/00.

Tom Cochrane...fucking squirrels...the two go together. My nose is running.

-- Kristin to me and Jenn while driving to Perkins on the night of 2/18/01.

I should have come back to the table, grabbed some seasoning salt and thrown it on her. "Shrivel like the slug you are!"

-- Me to four friends (Karl, Derek, Joel Zemcak and Dave MacMartin) at Doubles Fun Club on 3/2/01. While I was playing the use-the-claw-to-extract-the-stuffed-animal game, I was approached by a hideous, fat troll of a woman. I finished my game and went back to my table wihout making eye contact. We had brought some of Derek's mother's (see above) seasoning salt to the bar as a joke...and it turned out to have some use. (Man, I AM an asshole.)

They're just two pair of pants away from making a snuff film

-- Me to Nicole or "Betty Bigtits" (a friend of a friend) during the latter stages of the Geology Club Beer Bash on 3/16/01. We were observing Curtis Wegleitner and Guy Desharnais molest someone (I forget who); crotch-rubbing and Guy's stinky boot were both involved.

Wegener was a fraud!

-- Phrase that several students (including myself) joked about including on our Global Tectonics final exam on 4/10/01. Alfred Wegener popularized the concept of continental drift after making the observation of how the coastlines of Brazil and Wesr Africa "fit" together.

Porn just isn't porn without Polish subtitles.

-- Me, to the assembled Sunday, Sunday, Sunday crew (myself, Bryan, Brian, Brent Buss and 'Butter') while watching DVD porn on Bryan's then-new DVD player in mid-June 2001. I think it was called 'Apocalypse Ecstasy' or something similar. Brian liked it because it had guns. And fucking.

It's the 'Get The Fuck Out Of My Way Game,' and everybody's playing! Yay!

-- Me, on northbound Hwy 121 (Airport Freeway) during my 45-minute commute to work on 12/5/01.

That's Cody; he'll take Communion anywhere.

-- Cody's mother (and my aunt) Judy Poole after Cody took the Holy Communion during the baptism of my niece, Danielle on 12/23/01. It was in a Catholic church. And Cody's not Catholic.

Communion slut.

-- The response of Brandy, the girlfriend of Cody's brother, Logan.

An opportunity will make you to change to your advantage.

-- A fortune cookie to me during my dinner break at work on 12/26/01.

It's not a uter-you, it's a uter-us!!

-- The subject line of an e-mail sent to me on 12/31/01 by Shawn. The e-mail had absolutely nothing to do with wombs.

(holding my hands up)Do these look like the hands of a fine craftsman? I get scared cleaning my own ears.

-- Me, to my co-workers Kelvin and Leila on 12/31/01. I'm hardly the most delicate man.

Calcite...calcite...calcite...calcite...ooh, vug!...calcite...calcite...

-- Me, describing one of my Carbonate Petrology labs to Kristin. Yay, point counts!

Jessie, you're the rock on which I build my cult of devotion.

-- Me, to Dallas DJ Jessie Diva Radio after winning tickets to see The Breeders (which I never used) on 1/29/02. I sang the new Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee jingle in a saucy (Heh, get it? Saucy?) French schoolgirl accent.

I am not buying my father-in-law a penis pump!

-- Me, to my Silly Karen sometime during the week of 2/4/02.

It's like heroin...but much more legal...and caffeinated!

-- Me, during my lunch break on 2/11/02 to a camera crew shooting a spot for Food TV's Unwrapped, a show about junk food. After finding out that I was from the "Slurpee Capital of the World," they asked me to describe the feeling of a good Slurpee brainfreeze. Plano, TX happens to be the location of Southland Corp.'s HQ.

I'll have the hot and spicy pork, but make it mild.

-- Some idiot, as overheard at Royal Chopstix in Plano, TX on 2/11/02.

Me:Just make sure he looks away when you go down on him, lest he get vertigo and puke on you.
Kristin:Arg! Or...yarg, matey! Don't be pukin' in my hair!
Me: Yar, the reciprocating motion makes my tummy ache!
Kristin:Yarg! You have the taste of the monadnocks!
Karen:As long as he can poke the stick in the right hole, that's all that counts.
Kristin:Yarg! Don't be pokin' me in wrong hole, matey!
Karen: Putting sticks in holes is all good!

-- Transcripts (corrected for spelling) of a chat session between me (with Caramelhead barking statements from the living room) and Kristin on 2/21/02. Attribute the pirate theme to her boyfriend's new nickname: Cap'n Bobby Eyepatch.

Me: You could have your clit pierced and attach a large-type sign for Cap'n Bobby Eyepatch...
Kristin: Nyah! No!
Me: "Yar! There be treasure below!"

I'm three-quarters Irish and one-quarter French. I believe in "Erin go braless."

-- My co-worker Tom, during a discussion on cultural demograpghics on 4/6/02.

Karen: That'd be like trying to find a cut-off penis in the State of Texas.
Me: That's a strange analogy.
Karen: I know.

-- An exchange between Fungushead and me today (4/17/02) after seeing the Dennis Quaid movie, The Rookie (which, incidentally, is set in Texas).

I love my black happy joy box (my computer, not some sex toy Drader bought).

-- Bryan, in an e-mail sent to me on 5/2/02. Byran's pretty excited about his new 1.6 GHz computer. Silly Spanky.

Cheese is not good for dogs. Particularly those afraid of their bowel movements.

-- Kristin, commenting on my dog eating pizza toppings that had fallen to the floor on 6/21/02.

Kelly: (holding up two pairs of Jockey boxer briefs, one powder blue and the other orange) This looks like a flag.
Gord: Like one from a former Soviet republic.
Kelly: Gotchikstan!
-- Kelly drove all the way from Winnipeg to buy underwear from me, this was the conversation that took place at JCPenney on 9/4/02.

Listen...I'm in this for the sex. If you have a problem giving me hummers without needing flowers, then fuck off back to Fattytown.

-- My advice to a friend (during a conversation on 9/19/02) as to what he should say to a girl he's seeing that may be getting too attached for her own good.

Mmm...forbidden pancakes.

-- Me to my co-worker Kim on 9/28/02. After working until 11 p.m. the previous night, I had to work again at 7:45 the next morning. In an act of defiance, I snuck into the stockroom to enjoy my McDonald's hotcakes in relative safety.

We had a cow that I used to ride and a dog I thought was a horse.

-- JCPenney co-worker Trisha Slaughter to me in the break room on 10/12/02, describing her rather confused childhood.

Mmpgh...mmpppmgh...(tweeeeeeeeeeeeee)...grpgh...mmurmf...gurggggiff... (tweeeeeeeeee)

-- My interpretation (given on 10/21/02) on what it would sound like when Kristin, who had surgery on her nose two years ago, gives her boyfriend Cap'n Bobby Eyepatch (don't ask) a hummer.

I don't know why, it makes me want to adopt a donkey, grab some maracas and dance in the street.

-- Kristin's impression of the new Santana/Michelle Branch song, given on 11/4/02.

Oh, go wipe your ass with a shitty piece of towel!

-- Karen's inexplicable response to a jest I made on 11/27/02, in the parking lot of Target.

I have to test it to make sure shit doesn't come out.

-- A diarrhetic Fungushead on her attempts to keep from soiling yet another pair of panties. Pillowtalk from 1/29/03.

Kristin: Jesus. You should be fucking Dr. Phil. Not fucking Dr. Phil, but be a form of fucking Dr. Phil. Oh lord, you get it.
Gord: As long as Dr. Phil doesn't get to fuck me back, I'm happy.

-- A excerpt from a 2/9/03 chat session between me and Kristin. She seemed impressed with my relationship advice, and wanted to reward me with some hot all-male action, therapist-style!

It's the best story about lubricant that I've ever read.

-- Shorthorn Editor-in-Chief Beth Francesco on my story Slippery subject, which ran in the 2/18/03 edition of the paper.

Kristin: Yeah. Welcome to my world. I am a stinky, stinky farter. I admit. It is awful.
Gord: See, you admit it now, but deny everything when accused with dealing the goods...Calgary, for example, some of the queef cloud was you
Kristin: Good god, yes.
Gord: AHA!
Kristin: Not all. But certainly some.

-- Excerpt from a 3/15/03 chat session between me and Kristin. Most of the queef cloud was my doing -- having Shannon (Boobs) roll onto your stomach when you're bloated was not a good thing. Not for the other eight people in the van.

A lesson taught by Gord's chili: After hand dicing habanero peppers, refrain from touching eyes or vagina for 24 hours.

-- Me to Lola during an AIM exchange earlier today (3/20/03). Not that I have a vagina or anything...

Lola: In that last panel is that a giant penis blasting out of the ground?
Gord: Yes, that was giant penis erupting from the subsurface.
Lola: Ohhhh-kay then...
Gord: In geology, we call the phenomena a "phallo-magmatic extrusion."

-- An excerpt from a 3/26/03 chat session with Lola. The topic at heand was the 1994 comic strip "Space Moose and the Time Machine," which features, among other things, a giant penis emerging from the Earth's crust.

You find strange things in the woods of NW Ontario (and invariably put them on your head).

-- Me to Lola on 3/28/03, explaining the existence of a picture of me wearing a beaver's ribcage on my head.

Ben: Dude, i don't like this Carmen Rasmussen girl. I mean, she's cute and she has a cool name, but i don't like her voice.
Gord: Me neither.
Ben: I think she has "the look," but meh...
Gord: Don't get me wrong, it'd sound fine shrieking "Fuck yeah Gord, rub my clit," but not singing

-- An excerpt (edited for grammar and formatting) from an April Fool's Day 2003 AIM conversation with Ben about the American Idol contestant.

It can be "Disney's Adventure on the Magic Cart" with Goldie the Goldtoe Socks (voiced by Kevin Bacon) and Billy the Briefs (voiced by Danny Devito)!

-- Me, to Beth (one of my bosses at Penney's) in early June 2003. I had thrown a package of men's briefs onto a cart she was pushing because I wanted to save myself a trip to another department. She was less than amused.

You always see the "My son is an honor student at David Hasslehoff Elementary School" bumper stickers, but you never see ones that read "My daughter attends special education at Gary Coleman Collegiate".

-- Me to Jenn in an IM conversation on 12/3/03.

Without the English accent, he looks like Craig David.

-- Co-worker Ally Grunden to me and Josh while working an evening shift on 12/29/03. Josh's friend Dez stopped by the store; Dez looks a bit like Mr. David. I have no idea what Dez would look like if he spoke the Cockney.

I'm kinda looking forward to the dysentery; I'm going to laugh at myself.

-- Co-worker Paul Kozak to me while stocking the cooler on 1/7/04. Paul's going to Benin or Togo with the Peace Corps in a few weeks, and expects to pick up a few maladies while there.

Terry has a dog named Sandy who he has trained to find my ticklish spot.

-- Good ol' Shannon makes her return to the Quotes page with this gem from 2/15/04! Shannon is dating my best man and very good friend Terry... and apparently his dog, too!

I'm not very good at being gay... outside of the whole "fucking men" part.

-- Co-worker Paul to me in February or March 2004, describing how far his finger was from the pulse of Gaydom.

(Into the microphone) Customer on pump 19 in the turquoise Ford Festiva, welcome to RaceTrac! (To nearby customer and co-workers) "Turquoise Ford Festiva..." When am I going to say THAT again?

-- Me, to the assembled crowd at RaceTrac on 3/11/04.

This is what I'd imagine a douche to feel like, were I a woman with bits of undigested corn up in her hoohah.

-- Me to the lovely Lola in an IM conversation on 5/29/04. I was describing The Torrent, a theoretical "high-powered colonic" system.

Darrin: All my exes have one thing in common...
Gord: Yeah, they came to their senses.

-- Me zinging my boss on 11/26/04.

Nothing says love like a handdrawn flaccid penis on formal stationary.

-- Me, to Karl, during an IM conversation on 2/5/05. I was referencing a letter I mailed to him last week. He wanted US postage for a SASE, and I included my "Once-erect Cock #33" (ink on paper) as an added bonus.

Push and glide, dik-dik! Push and glide!

-- Me, to my good friend Eric during the week of 8/8/05 whilst contemplating a cardboard Elvis cutout wearing an airbrushed t-shirt with a dik-dik wearing tiny rollerskates.

Gord: When I was younger, I had a crush on Tempestt Bledsoe.
Eric: I had a crush on Theo.
Geneva: THEO?!?
Gord: In high school, he had pictures of Malcolm-Jamal Warner cut out from Tiger Beat magazine in his locker written with "EB + MJW = TLF".

-- An exchange between myself, my buddy Eric and our co-worker Geneva on 11/3/05. Eric's striped sweater had turned the topic of conversation towards "The Cosby Show" that day, so this was a logical degeneration.

Gord: In other words, the cat heads for the balcony when you start lighting the "gettin' some candles."
Kristin: That has a strange scent of the truth to it...
Gord: That scent is truth. And sweat. And the Yankee Candle Company's 'Kiwi Citrus'. And unborn baby Robs.
Kristin: Icky.

-- Somehow, this started off with Kristin celebrating the anniversary of her rhinoplasty (chatting online on 11/7/05).

Gord: Why is Stewart Copeland riding a goat?
Eric: Playing polo, no less... wearing his captain's jacket.

-- Me and Eric discussing the cover art on Synchronicity while at work on 12/23/05).

I mean, he was an alien! Except for the midget who ran around in the ALF costume, who else can say that?

-- Me, to Eric, on why David Bowie would be a good person to sit down and talk with over a few drinks (12/14/05).

Eric: Verical Horizon? Where are they now?
Gord (singing, to the tune of "Everything You Want"): You have everything I want. You have everything I need. Could I borrow five dollars so I can get something to eat?
Eric: The hits just keep on coming.

-- An exchange from the first week of January 2006. Eric an I were listening to the radio at work when that song came on.

It's quiet over here; I feel like Tom Hanks in that Castaway movie. All I need now is a thing and a volleyball.

-- Me to my team in early January 2006. My cubicle neighbors Eric and Geneva had taken vacation time, leaving me alone in our "Shantytown".

BOB COSTAS' HOT ANUS

-- A cryptic message I wrote on one of those chalky candy hearts shortly after Valentine's Day, 2006.

They should have thrown her away and raised the placenta.

-- My mother on the subject of a member of our extended family during dinnertime conversation on 4/30/06.

I don't want to say Memphis is beaten, but they're cowering in a corner and Dirk Nowitzki's standing over them with a rolled-up newspaper in his hand, shouting "Bad dog! Bad dog!

-- Me, to one of my co-workers near the end of the Mavericks' rout of the Grizzlies in Game 3 of the opening round of the 2006 playoffs.

The grass may be greener on the other side, but the water bill's higher.

-- My co-worker Trenita during a team meeting in early May 2006.

It's two shows for the price of none!

-- The first of three quotes from the 5/13/06 Blondie/New Cars concert. Eric won a pair of tickets from a radio station, and he took me along with. Not only were we treated to a good concert, but also to a pair of 40-something women sitting directly in front of us who were all over each other.

Even her silhouette has tummy rolls.

-- Quote #2 from the concert. In this case, the spotlights weren't very flattering to Debbie Harry.

Them and the Super Family Five are heading home to make croissants. Hot, buttery croissants... And lesbian sex!

-- Quote 3 of 3 from Blondie/New Cars. The lesbian couple mentioned above seemed to be with four or five other women in the same row. During intermission, I speculated on their whereabouts.

Nothing says "feelin' like a lady" quite like convenience store pantyhose.

-- Me to my co-worker Latrease on a Tuesday afternoon in November 2006.

Cuntie! -- blandscotsman@hotmail.com

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