Here fishy, fishy, fishy...

Last year, I departed from the Crappy Ex-GF Rants for a while to bring you the continuing story of my adventures in fish-owning -- The Epic of the Goldfish. Although I started this set of rants (and my aquarium) with the best of intentions, my laziness eventually took hold and the story line (if there ever was one) died a slow, gurgling death...not unlike a few of my fish.

8/8/00 -- Fish Tales -- The rants, not the pinball game, stupid.

Enter Tiny and Skip (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 1). After moving from the fraternity house a few months ago, I have noticed a slight void in my life. I needed something to keep me company. I needed a pet. Thus, Terry and I ventured to Petland to fill my void.

"Give me two of your finest cheap goldfish," I said.

"Fine and cheap don't go well together," responded the wary-looking employee.

"Give me two of your cheap goldfish," I replied.

Thus, Tiny (the large one) and Skip entered my life. After spending five hours in a plastic bag during a fraternity hellmeeting, we arrived at home. They were soon introduced to their temporary abode, a Tupperware container. Fare well, little friends. The longer you live, the better your quality of life will get.

8/10/00 -- Poor, poor Tiny.

Mourning (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 2). Tiny is dead. I buried/flushed him this morning after I woke up. Poor bugger. Skip is still thriving, so I decided to give him his first reward...shelter. Last Christmas, I received a model skateboard and ramp in my stocking. Strange, but true. Since I assembled it, it had been sitting in my desk drawer...doing nothing. Skip was looking skittish in his empty (save for water) Tupperware, so I decided to place the skateboard and ramp in his makeshift fishbowl. He seems to like it, as he immediately swam to it to hide. On another note, I found an old quasi-fishbowl (I think it was once a light fixture) that I bought at an auction two years ago. It's smaller than the Tupperware, but it's more transparent. If Skip survives the weekend, he'll get a new home.

8/16/00 -- As promised...

A new home for Skip (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 3). Well, Skip is still alive and well, so I moved him into his new bowl today. The bowl/light fixture doesn't balance well, so I had to mount it on a cardboard box.

Poor guy, he doesn't seem to adjust well to change. I looked for aquarium rocks at SuperStore today, but found none. When I get more cash, I'll get Skip some rocks and maybe even a new friend.

On a different note, my Karen Kay says she has some fishbowls kicking around her house, meaning that, assuming Skip can survive until the end of the month, he may get a REAL fishbowl to call home.

8/17/00 -- I WANNA ROCK!

Blue aquarium rocks (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 4). Skip's still around, so it was time for his next reward. After having breakfast with Stockwell Day, Brian and I headed to Petland to buy the aquarium pebbles.

Oddly enough, the aquarium rock package actually reads: "If product is defective, liability is limited to replacement of pebbles." This raises an interesting question...how can painted, decorative rocks be "defective?" Don't rocks just sit there? Could you imagine walking into a pet store, trying to return your aquarium rocks because they wouldn't sit still? The scariest thing is that it must have happened at least once in the past for them to include the disclaimer on the package.

8/20/00 -- And then there was Free.

A new friend for Skip (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 5). Today Terry and I ran a few errands -- we returned an overdue computer game and did some grocery shopping. While at St. Vital Centre, we stopped in the local pet store, as I felt that Skip needed a friend.

There was a line-up to purchase cheap fish. I don't want to sound arrogant, but if you're just paying 69 cents (less, if you buy in bulk), you shouldn't put too much effort into picking "healthy-looking" fish. If any last beyond a few weeks, then take the time to pat yourself on the back, bub. However, some nasty-looking woman wanted only the premium cheap fish, so I had to wait until she was satisfied. Bitch.

As the clerks were handling other customers (including the couple with the irritating toddlers), I grew more frustrated. Finally, my impatience got the best of me.

"Can I just pick out my own fish?" I asked. The poor, stunned pet-girl wasn't prepared to stop me, let alone do anything except stare blankly at me. So I grabbed a net, fished out my...uh...fish, bagged him and walked satisfiedly towards the counter.

All I had was American dollar bills. This confused the other clerk who, after refusing to accept the US currency for less than the going exchange rate, decided to give me the fish. Thus, the new fish was named..."Free." Because he was free.

10/6/00 -- Bowling for goldfish.

Whassap, homies? (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 6). My apologies for no goldfish updates for a while. Here's what's been going on:

My Karen Kay brought up a fishbowl with her on her last visit two weeks ago. This would mark the first time since their purchase (or non-purchase, as the case may be) that Skip & Free actually were living in a vessel made for keeping fish. They seem to like it, although Free makes a habit of hogging the food and chasing Skip around the tank.

To compliment the new digs, Karen and I bought a plastic plant and a ceramic tire decoration. The tires "make it look like the Red River," in the words of the Petland guy. Free likes hiding in the tires.

And finally, my roommate's girlfriend is in the process of securing two koi goldfish frys for me. Woo-hoo!

10/14/00 -- Additions and Subtractions.

The life and death of the koi (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 7). On Thursday, Gianna brought over the three koi goldfish she promised me. There were two small ones -- dubbed Pornstar and Costanza (in honour of Twitch) -- and one larger one (Izambard). The three were moved into the large tank, but Free took offence to this and began attacking/eating the smaller two. Costanza and Pornstar were quickly moved into the light fixture.

All seemed well at first. On Friday I awoke to discover Pornstar lying dead at the bottom of the fixture. Costanza was reintroduced to the main fishbowl, but died the next day. I blame Free.

The end result? I'm still up a goldfish. It could be worse.

3/01/01 -- A fishy update.

So...what's been happening with the fish? (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 8) Let's see...Karen brought over a 10 gallon tank, complete with air pump and various ceramic decorations and fake plants.

With this luxurious, new tank, I could fit in more fish. Enter Bubba (a black moor), Yar (a pearlscale), Grapefruit (a pinky-white feeder), Volvo (an orange and white feeder) and Filthy (a nocturnal plecostamus). And life was good...

...until I started reading up about caring for goldfish. "Oh," I said to myself, "I guess I need a filter. My fish are stressed and my water is dirty." So I bought a filter.

Damn, this rant sucks.

9/25/01 -- The piteous conclusion.

The end of the saga? (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 9) This series of rants, which started out with such promise, has spun into an awkward mess. I will summarize the last 6 months of fish-related events now.

My then-roommate's GF, Gianna, gave me a few (three or four) refugee koi. They were given names, but I have since forgotten them.

Yar, the pearlscale, was showing signs of fin rot. I tried quarantining him to administer medication, but he showed few signs of recovery. I returned him to the main tank after a few days.

Filthy, the pleco, died and was eaten by his tankmates.

Yar started swimming listlessly, in an less-than-upright fashion. He was flushed. Bye Yar.

Near the end of June, I began preparing for my wedding and emmigration to the U.S. As my apartment complex had a duck pond, replete with goldfish, we (my fiancee and I) decided to release the fish into the pond. We don't know if they survived, or if they were eaten by ducks or larger goldfish. Fare thee well, ichthyian friends...

10/02/02 -- Like a scaly, flopping phoenix...

A new beginning...of sorts (Epic of the Goldfish, Part 10). Caramelhead has been pestering me to get another pet for several months now. Every now and then, she'll pull up the Web site of one of the local animal shelters to show me a certain dog or cat, but she knows almost as well as me that the economics and ergonomics of our living situation preclude another large pet. We decided on a compromise...goldfish.

We'd been playing with the idea for a few weeks, so it wasn't that much of a surprise when she asked if I wanted to buy our fish today. Off to Petco we went, with goldfish on our mind.

Most of the aquarium supplied that I has amassed in Winnipeg were discarded prior to my move to Texas: flake food, aquarium, pump, filter and dechlorinator. All that left us with were a two-gallon fishbowl, several plastic plants and the ceramic tires. Having done a deal of research last year, I knew that a bowl would be inadequate for most fish. Karen was thinking big -- two each of snails, fiddler crabs and orandas -- but I talked her down to a pair of undersized feeder fish. We replenished our supply of tank rocks, dechlorinator and fish food and took our fish home.

Karen asked what we should name our new friends, but I told her that we should wait until tomorrow to make sure they survived. Until then, they'd be Fishy No. 1 and Fishy No. 2. The bastards didn't last an hour before sinking lifelessly to the bottom of the tank. Fuckers.

We're looking at getting a proper tank, complete with stand and filter, this weekend. Barring that, we've left some water standing in the fishbowl...just in case.

Flaky *and* nutritious!-- blandscotsman@hotmail.com