December 5, 2003 (12:43 p.m. CST)
This post will be a little bit of E/N. It'll be kinda scattershot and staccato, so bear with me.

God bless the Internet. Specifically, God bless P2P applications. Yes, they're much-abused for downloading warez and MP3s (no matter what the RIAA may try, this abuse won't be ending in 2004). But they're also invaluable for finding abandonware -- software that's been thrown aside by its publishers before its time. Three nights ago, I was looking for a copy of Alien Crossfire, the one and only expansion to Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri. It'd been yanked off the shelves prematurely, instead of being left to rot in the $9.99 "Discounted Software" bin like most games should. But, the game lives on through file sharing. Thank you, DARPA.

Many moons ago, I discussed Google Bombs in this blog. I wanted the bomb pretty big duck to point to this site; a goal that thusfar has come up short. Some other clever Google Bombs have come to my attention: miserable failure (search results) and french military victories (search results). Links courtesy of this FARK thread. I want to add one more Google Bomb to this list: Grady's Boner.

Two days ago, I got a call from the Keller Police Department looking for a Richard Reid, Jr. to discuss a pending case. Richard Reid... wasn't that the shoe bomber guy? While I doubt that Richard Reid is the same one being sought by Keller PD, I'm absolutely sure that I am neither of them. This brings up the question: Why the hell would Keller's Finest confuse "Gordon" with "Richard." (Although, it wouldn't be the first time that I've been addressed by that name...)

December 4, 2003 (2:20 a.m. CST)
My Photoshopping is done for the evening! Our grand plans to use a cute picture of the dogs in our Christmas letter was nearly sidetracked by their restlessness. I had to jump into the shot to hold them in place. Now, if I was a stunning model whose mere presence summoned clitoral rumblings in teenaged girls, then people wouldn't mind me in the photo. But I'm shaggy-haired, bloated Gord. And I was concentrating more on holding the squirmy dogs in place than looking festive. My solution was to Photoshop me out of the picture and to past the puppies into a snowy scene. Done and doner.

December 3, 2003 (11:46 p.m. CST)
A longer post should follow in a few hours or so, but until then you'll have to content yourselves with some search engine referrals...
tracy-rettig -- While Tracy is a fairly common name, it's highly doubtful that Rettig is. And considering the search originated from Canada, odds are that it's the same Tracy Rettig that I know. And she's done some vampy Ann-Margret thing with her name. (7th, Google.ca)
Lionel Richie's 1st wife pics -- Search you, search me. Search us together, naturally. (3rd, Google)
delta air freshener arabian nights -- Some searches baffle me, as though random words and phrases are thrown together just to see what happens. Intuitively, there's a brand of air freshener called Delta in Holland, and they offer a fragrance named "Arabian Nights". Mmm, camel droppings and dust! (1st, Google.nl)
celebrity jeopardy Keanu Reeve snl skit index -- Whoa! (18th, Google)

December 2, 2003 (2:02 a.m. CST)
A quick, bitchy post before I make my way bedward.

I ran to the post office this afternoon to mail a cheque back home, send my bottlecaps to Pepsi for my free NFL cap and buy some stamps for Christmas cards. I chose to go to the outlet in Watauga, as I had to stop at the bank across the street to pay two bills. When I arrived at the post office, I was surprised (though I shouldn't have been) to find the line snaking out the door. Alright, it's the Monday after a long weekend. It's the afternoon rush hour. And it's early December. You'd think that the government brain trust would think to have more than two aged clerks working the counter. No, the cocky postmasters and postmistresses decided that ol' Hank and Morton (or whatever their names were) could handle the rush. Not so, but due to no fault of their own. While my transactions were relatively simple, the guy behind me had a stack of maybe twenty-five greeting cards and a parcel the size of a small filing cabinet. "I hope they take it," he said. Oh yeah, old guy. They'll be taking it... up the ass for another three weeks.

December 2, 2003 (1:31 a.m. CST)
While puttering about Google (ostensibly looking for info on friends from Winnipeg, but Kelly says I was stalking), I came across an abandoned relic of a site belonging to Val Krysanski, a girl I knew in my days in DU. Prior to the handful of visits generated by me e-mailing the link to a few friends there were only three hits. One of those hits had to be the Google crawler, as the site was indexed.

Kelly later said that I should find a job that draws upon my "Web stalking" talents, but sadly most of the jobs fitting that description have thirty-something men posing as thirteen-year old girls in chat rooms and on IRC. I'll be damned if I'm going to let my hobbies be ruined by something as trivial as a career in law enforcement.

December 1, 2003 (11:06 p.m. CST)
This is a short post; I'm just trying to get the recent search engine referrals out of the way so I can play some Alpha Centauri...
vutant+boobies -- Yes, Vutant and ValidateThis once had tons of boobies. Now, the boobies are more rare, but they do pop up on occasion. (3rd, Google)
"Hollie Smith" Kansas -- The Hollie Smith I referenced is a singer from New Zealand, and not a co-ed from Kansas. Well, I'm sure there's some corn-fed girl in Lawrence with the same name, but it's not the same Hollie. (21st, Google)
"aimee osbourne" cleavage -- Now that Ozzy and Co. have been brushed away from the nation's pop culture food trough, Aimee can resume living her "Hot Osbourne Daughter" life. (1st, Google)
"jenna bush" sleeveless breasts -- The last time I checked, breasts never needed sleeves. (Except, of course, in the most droopy of situations.) They may have third nipples, tiny hairs, stretch marks and pimples, but no appendages that require an extra sleeve. Even on a drunken first daughter. (6th, Google)
chef boy yar dee -- Arr! It's the seafarin' canned pasta! Arrrr! (8th, Yahoo!)

November 29, 2003 (2:20 a.m. CST)
Thanksgiving dinner went well -- more on that Saturday afternoon. I wanted to talk about our planned trip back home next month. It seems that I'll miss out on the New Year's Eve Casino blast at the esteemed "Harrow House," one of the two houses rented by and lived in by a number of my fraternity brothers. I'm a bit upset at the prospect of the passing of another year without the company of my friends. I'm also bitter about not being able to proclaim -- as I did at the start of 2000 -- that 2004 will be "The Year of My Cock."

Prior to returning to Winnipeg, Caramelhead and I will be stopping in Fargo-Moorhead to visit her family and to attend a friend's wedding. Karen's the matron of honor, so the onus is on her to look fantastic. To achieve this goal, she wants to get hair extensions. The problem is that, until today, no local stylists offered that service. We finally found one salon that does extensions, but they were reluctant to discuss prices with her over the phone. I then called back to press for more information. It turns out that simple extensions would cost us somewhere around $500, which is far out of our price range. According to the salon's owner, his process is identical to that used by the coiffeurs to the stars in Hollywood. Fuck that, bring me the heads of a dozen Barbie dolls and a glue gun and the problem is solved.

Lastly, my latest entry in a Fark photoshop contest...

November 28, 2003 (11:56 a.m. CST)
Today is *my* Turkey Day. As I had to work yesterday, Thanksgiving has been delayed to allow yours truly some time to cook and eat. So, in the spirit of the holiday, let me list a few things for which I am thankful...

-- None of my tropical fish have died in the last 6 months.
-- I get free work sandwiches from work.
-- My dogs have mostly stopped pissing and shitting on the carpet.
-- That I have yet to be exposed as the evil wingnut that I am.

See? I'm not a complicated man. Well, I'm hardly so in public...

Now, some non-holiday-themed search engine referrals:
nike commercials quicktime "late for class" -- I'm late for class enough without the help of the marketing juggernaut behind Nike's promotions. (1st, Google)
"banana junior" "ted koppel" -- Ted Koppel is a waffle. (1st, Google)
tylene buick -- Something tells me that this searcher was looking for tylene buck. (9th, AOL)
emperor scorpion zoonosis -- I never knew scorpions transmitted diseases. (1st, Google.uk)

November 26, 2003 (3:08 a.m. CST)
This will be a quick entry, just a few short snippets of stuff.

Starting with a sad note, no leads have turned up in the search for UND student Dru Sjodin. Normally, I'd dismiss her abduction as just another horrible crime against an innocent, hardworking girl, but there is a difference in her case. I don't know her, but a good friend of mine knows her from his time at UND. The sad part is that nothing's turned up after two-and-a-half of searching...

On a much happier note, Caramelhead and I went to see Elf last weekend. It's one of the funniest movies I've seen in years. What more can you ask from a Christmas movie: Will Ferrell in yellow tights, Ed Asner and Bob Newhart (who has suddenly re-emerged from the entertainment boondocks) and most importantly, a good heart.

And now to a more serious note... I'm pressuring my wife to vote Democrat when the polls open in just under a year. Lacking U.S. citizenship, I'm unable to take part in the process, so I have to make my influence felt in other ways. When Dubya won in '98, I was still living in Canada. I saw the Bush vs. Gore choice as a "six of one, a half-dozen of the other" situation. Would 9/11 have happened with Al Gore in the White House? Sure would've. Would we have attacked Afghanistan? Probably. Iraq? Hell no! The jingoistic sabre rattling and slow burning escalation with North Korea wouldn't be as pressing either. And don't get me started on the environment... In short, four years ago, I was mildly relieved to know a conservative executive was taking charge. But now, I'm rethinking my position on that. No, strike that. I've rethought it.

And finally, search engine referrals:
roll sreen patent -- Once again, Google plays the role of spellchecker. (18th and 20th, Google.es)
skutterudite magic -- Never was there a mineral whose name rolled of the tongue like a spell of yore. (10th, Google)
herbalife wendy karst -- Maybe this person was searching for her? (1st and 3rd, Google.ca)

November 21, 2003 (1:59 a.m. CST)
A few days ago, I was plugging various search strings into Google and Yahoo, looking for sites that are linking to my old URLs. When searching for my full name, I found a family tree compiled by my second cousin (once removed) by marriage. He had traced the ancestry of my maternal grandmother as far back as 1722. It turns out that I'm part Orcadian -- my great-great-great-great-great grandfather left the Orkney Islands at the end of the 18th century to work for the Hudson's Bay Company. This places my family among the first of the white settlers to make Manitoba their permanent home.

Recently, my mother has sent me a number of my father's personal effects, including hundreds of old pictures. Notable among the pictures are several pictures of my grandmother the flapper and and old tintype of my great-grandfather that we can best date to the 1870s. I'll try to scan some of the pictures and post them here.

November 20, 2003 (12:03 a.m. CST)
Perhaps its just me, but I'm a little underwhelmed with the results of The Bachelor. I thought Kelly Jo was a better match for poor, befuddled Bob. I'm not sure what it is about Estella... Maybe it's the fact that she looks like the result of morphing pictures of Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston (which, in itself, is not a bad recipe by any means). Maybe it's her California-like fakeness. Maybe it's because she reminds me of the airheaded girl I work with. (As opposed to the downright-stupid girl I work with, for they are separate beasts indeed.) Just once, I'd like the Bachelor/Bachelorette to find the love of their life in the first or second episode, then proceed to embitter the rest of the contestants (and the ABC execs) with their giddy self-involvement. "In the most er... dramatic rose ceremony yet, see who Jocelyn keeps around another week to live the high life on ABC's tab to watch from the sidelines as her and Leon continue their all-expenses paid courtship."

That last paragraph made me 0.06 percent more gay.

November 19, 2003 (3:20 p.m. CST)
Just in case nobody's said it yet: "Man, it sucks to be Michael Jackson." Just days after announcing that he wanted to adopt seven children, Jackson is facing an arrest warrant for "multiple counts of child molestation" (I'll spare you the link, just check out any news site, fool). Jackson forks out millions in regular extravagant shopping sprees, and he retains a staff of lawyers, publicists, chefs and other entourage-y type folks. How much can it cost to have some guy hang around whose sole job was to tap Jacko on the shoulder and say "Hey Mike, don't diddle that kid, 'kay?" Hell, I could do that job! And I'd work cheap... like, say $50 thousand. It beats three-to-eight in "federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison," eh Mike?

I need to go clean.

November 18, 2003 (4:17 a.m. CST)
I'm just pissing some time away until WG is open for business again.

During my extended absence, I didn't completely avoid the ol' keyboard 'n mouse. As evidence, I offer these recent submissions to Fark photoshop contests:

November 18, 2003 (3:23 a.m. CST)
Yesterday was "Random Crap in the Road Day." On my way to work last morning, I was surprised to find a large metal bucket sitting on the left hand side of my lane. As I had a car lurking in my blind spot, a quick lane change was out of the question. My only option was to deftly sneak over to the curb side of my lane and squeeze by. It wasn't an Andretti-esque feat of driving, but I managed to avoid the obstacle at hand. This wasn't the case for the car trailing some one hundred feet behind me, as it clipped the bucket and sent it shooting across traffic and onto the median (and perhaps beyond, into the southbound lanes). And on the return trip, I was greeted by an empty cardboard box in the turning lane of Western Center Blvd., which hardly posed a problem.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to flag football. Caramelhead was driving, and we were heading south on I-35W. A ladder fell off a pick-up ahead of us and to our left. The guy driving the truck was oblivious to his loss and kept going. We swerved in time, but again a hapless motorist behind us couldn't bypass the obstacle safely and ran the stepladder over at 45 mph.

November 15, 2003 (9:59 p.m. CST)
The new domain is up now! Whee! Some of the kinks have to be worked out, but expect more posting in the coming weeks.

Some of the recent search engine referrals:
posados restaurant cheese -- It's hard to imagine Mexican restaurants without cheese -- both the king you find shredded atop your enchilada and the kind that hangs on the walls. (15th, Yahoo)
paul anka jean chretien mp3 -- I can imagine the old Grit's mumbled version of "Diana." Not pretty. (8th, Google.ca)
cybill shepherd measurements -- I'll bet Bruce Willis knows... (14th, MSN)
ludacris newfoundland tour dates -- I heard that Nas and Obie Trice are playing Gander next year. (13th, Google.ca)

November 15, 2003 (1:39 a.m. CST)
Okay, okay. My site has sucked pretty damn hard for the last five months. "Not no more!" say I. As you may have noticed, I have a new host. The switch was precipitated by a couple of things: the inavailability of UTA's Web servers and a badass offer from 1&1, my new hosts. It's hard to pass up free hosting for 36 months. It's just as hard passing up domain registration for six bucks a year. This means that the site will be seeing some upgrades in the next few days/weeks/months (depending on how long my renewed Webmastering passion keeps up). I'll be implementing MT -- or at least I'll be trying to implement it. I'll probably get a site redesign going soon too (in fact, it's already begun). The last redesign, still incomplete in the Toban section, received tepid response. I've already done most of the work on the banner, but other changes could accompany it. But anyway...

Where was I? More on that later. Gotta go fiddle with the site.

July 17, 2003 (4:05 a.m. CDT)
I don't know why I'm blogging at this hour, considering that I work in just under 115 minutes. Oh well, I was compelled.

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from my best friend from elementary school, Devon Parker. Probably following the mailto links at the bottom of one of these pages, he sent a message to me via my Hotmail account. Then Hotmail died. Well, it didn't die, it just refused to let me log on for over a week. Then, when I was able to get in, it claimed my account had been "inactive" and that it needed to be reset. The reset purged my account of any extant e-mails, including Dev's. Devon, if you see this, e-mail me again, okay?

Before I show you today's search engine freakshow, let me update you on current trends. Firstly, the surge of people looking for nude pics of the various reality TV personalities (Frenchie Davis, Sarah Kozer, Evan Marriott et al) has largely subsided. For a short period, they were replaced by pigs looking for nekkid pics of Hilary Duff. But now, patterns seem to have returned to normal.
katie holmes bleaching teeth -- Well, yeah... Do you expect her to let her maw get all nasty and yellow? I mean, how 1980s is that? (6th, Google.de)
nelly furtado barefoot feet -- I'm looking forward to the "Nelly Furtado striped tube socks" pictures myself. (31st, Yahoo)

July 16, 2003 (9:30 p.m. CDT)
My apologies for not blogging with more frequency. At least I'll do you the service of trotting out some new excuses: The in-laws were in town for five days, occupying the computer room for that period. As you can tell from the timestamps of my entries, I do the bulk of my blogging between the hours of midnight and 4 a.m. CDT. Unfortunately, this is when the in-laws sleet, limiting my precious online time. My second reason is my new job. As Penney's wasn't being very accomodating with hours and raises, I decided to find something more... lucrative. While my new job -- working a cash register at RaceTrac -- is less prestigious than being an employee of a department store that legitimately can claim the title of "American icon," it does pay more and offers more and better hours. And yeah, I've been lazy and ambivalent towards my page these last few weeks.

Someone who's been more active with their blog lately is Lola. In ten days, she's going to participate in Blogathon 2003. Her charity is the Special Olympics, which is an especially worthy cause. Donate to her.

While these pages have suffered from my recent inactivity, I have been making contributions to E2. Among these efforts have been four new nodes: I'm Glad (an analysis of the Jennifer Lopez song), July 10, 2003 (a daylog chronicling an exciting, busy and inexpensive day), Master Corporal (the latest progress in my campaign to node all of the ranks of the Canadian Armed Forces) and Irving Langmuir (a biography of the winner of the 1932 Nobel Prize in Chemistry). More important may be my work correcting the bad grammar and spelling of my fellow noders. At times, it ranges on the atrocious. I enlisted the help of Google to come up with the following lists of offenders: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I could go on indefinitely (not indefinately), but I won't. My pedantry will wait... for now.

June 25, 2003 (3:19 a.m. CDT)
Not a good day today. Aside from the accidents on 820 and the fight with Fungushead precipitated by the dog pissing on the bathroom floor, I'm just in a surly mood. Surly. I'd like to call in sick to work tomorrow, but that may just get me fired. On a happier note, I found a 'Wild George' in the cash register today. (That would be a bill that had been marked with the URL www.wheresgeorge.com and entered into the site's database. I've been a participant at WG for over 4 years.)

I'm uninspired. That's it for now.

June 24, 2003 (3:52 a.m. CDT)
I had a job interview today. A successful one, might I add. So, starting in a few weeks, I'll be working behind the cash register at RaceTrac. I haven't decided what's more troubling: the fact that I'll make more money mopping floors at a gas station than selling clothes at a major department store or that the possibility exists that I'll enjoy it more. I'll probably remain at Penney's in a reduced role for the remainder of the summer.

Lou Ferrigno told CNN yesterday that he likes the new Hulk movie. Lou, still looking pretty hulky himself, did mention that his portrayal of Mr. Purple Pants was "more human." There's no word yet on what Bill Bixby thinks. I'm still trying to decide what's greener... the combined irishries of all of the world's pubs on St. Patrick's Day or Ang Lee's oversized CG behemoth.

To combat the recurring algae growth problem in my aquarium, Caramelhead and I purchased another plecostomus yesterday afternoon. This pleco, dubbed "Horace" has already made a bit of a dent in the green muck covering the sides of the tank. I just hope that Horace doesn't perish with the same regularness as his predecessors (Herbert and Hoover).

June 23, 2003 (12:42 a.m. CDT)
It seems that Renée Zellweger has found a new boyfriend in indie rock wunderkind Jack White. It's relatively new gossip, which explains why the best link I could find was from a French entertainment Web site. In other news, Colin Farrell is gong to knock up Jennifer Garner and ditch her.

I'm at an impasse; I'll add another entry soon. IN the meanwhile, I'll be at the store getting a gallon of milk for Caramelhead.

Plenty of curious-looking searches today... I could've posted as many as ten tonight, but that would be overkill. You'll have to suffice with these five. (While taking a musty dump, I considered moving these search engine referrals to their own page, but that would be too much work.) Anyway, on to the show:
free nude pics of nikki mckibbin -- Nikki took some time off from her busy schedule of hosting Arlington, TX-area karaoke nights to turn up at the Burleson premiere of From Justin TO Kelly. I still think she should've taken the million dollar paycheck and pose nude when she had the chance. (17th, AOL)
courtney love's crotch pictures -- Love's crotch can do many things: transmit VD, make dead fish feel at home, drive rock prodigies to suicide and apparently take photographs! Just remember to rub the camera down with an alcohol pad when she's finished. (11th, Google)
"enneagram type 5" -- A definition from AlfaLog: "Fives feel ambivalent about the world consequently their mind is usually their best friend." I was going to think up some witty rebuttal, but stopped caring and decided to daydream about Emma Thompson and a bottle of pancake syrup. (62nd, Google)
manipulative girlfriends -- That's funny, they always claim that I'm the one doing the manipulating! Fucking cunts! (27th, Google.ca)
chlamydia strict antibiotics regiment -- I think he means regimen in this case, unless he and his entire Irish Army infantry battalion frequent the same brothel of infested whores. (4th, Google.ie)

June 22, 2003 (4:15 a.m. CDT)
Caramelhead came to the mall to meet me for lunch today. It was, as I aptly described it, an "ugly day" in the mall's food court. Usually, you can sit there contentedly nibbling away at your orange chicken and scoping out the hot 17-year olds. But this was not a normal Saturday afternoon. Ugliness abounded. THe nicest-looking female -- aside from Hot Wife, of course -- was the cute black girl working at Chick-Fil-A. As for Chick-Fil-A, this was Caramelhead's first taste of their chicken. She was impressed.

I owe a shout-out to one of my co-workers. Frances, thank you for the enchiladas and the spanish rice. Both were amazing! (Frances is a new addition to the staff at my store, and she rewarded me for coaching her with a big plate of superb Mexican food.)

I wrote a new E2 node yesterday: Richard Brodeur.

Finally, I have a crapload of search engine referrals from the last two days:
"Grower's Cider" -- Grower's is a brand of bottled cider available in Canada (but lamentedly not in Texas). It's one of Caramelhead's beverages of choice, and was a facilitator to one of my most debauched evenings. (11th and 12th, Google)
ducharme construction -- "Before you start assembling your Ducharme, you should make sure that you have all the tools required nearby..." (13th, Google)
female genetalia -- Once again, a search engine acts as my spellchecker. It's genitalia, dumbass. (53rd, Alexa)
ragnarok gwar -- "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain! Death to all who oppose me!" (8th, Google)
larry hagman children pic -- It's scary to look at recent pictures of Hagman, as he looks nothing like his younger, more virile self from the days of "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Dallas." Barbara Bach, on the other hand, has aged well. And Charlene Tilton looked lovely when she was on Street Smarts. (26th, Google)
nude masseuses, pennsylvania -- That comma confuses me. Did the searcher want to get a massage from a naked woman in the Keystone State? Or does he think there's a town called "Nude Masseuses"? (26th, Google)

June 19, 2003 (1:01 a.m. CDT)
So I'm sitting here, finishing off a bottle of Pepsi and waiting for my porn upload to Spanky to finish. What makes this different from any other night? Not much, really, save for the itchy ant bite on my ankle. Once my upload's done, I can reboot and start playing some MoO]|[. Now that the game's been patched, it's much less of a hassle to play. I'd even venture to say it's enjoyable. I'm also burning off my last six votes of the day at E2, partially out of the desire to read something new and partially to accumulate meaningless experience points. (There's no point to this; it's just a 'State of Gord' stream of consciousness thing.)

I was poking around MeFi a bit today, and saw this little bit about Flash Mobs. I find the concept of complete strangers banding together to confuse people very enthralling. DFW's not quite as hip as New York, so it may take a while for the phenomenon to reach here. When it arrives, I'll be on board.

Many people (like myself) have been wondering about the disappearance of Space Moose. The topic came up in the Fark forums the other day, which pointed me to a Usenet posting that explained the removal of the spacemoose.com site. Space Moose creator Dr. Adam Thrasher found himself a prestigious position at the University of Toronto, and was compelled to take the site down due because of the strip's uh... adult nature. Thankfully, an archive of the strips is located here.

June 18, 2003 (11:26 p.m. CDT)
We'll start by crapping out a little celebrity fiction...

The taunts had haunted Gibson for too long. "Are your redlegs getting sore yet, Wallace?" "Has Longshanks found you yet?" The fucking movie was almost ten years behind him, yet his new English neighbor wouldn't let it drop. By the third month, Mel was at his wit's end. He did the only thing imaginable: he called up a few men famous for portraying Scotsmen and paid his neighbor a visit. When the Englishman's prim pharmacist of a wife looked out the window to see Mel Gibson, Ewan MacGregor, Eric Stoltz, Sean Penn (why Penn came along was never determined) and Liam Neeson stalking down her driveway dressed in kilts, loose linen shirts and brogans, a sense of alarm overcame her. Perhaps it was the brace of flintlock pistols in their belts, or the torches in their hands. The alarm became panic when they started to set her mansion on fire. With their home aflicker behind them, the Englishman and the druggist ran from Gibson and his pack of rabid thespians with woad on their faces.

Today's referrals of note:
Charo free nude pictures -- Dude, like maybe 20 years ago, during her Love Boat days. But now? I'm not sold. (24th, AOL)
mini-skirted violent women in prison cult movies -- Are there any other kinds of women in prison cult movies? (7th, Yahoo)
John Gruden Baked Beans Recipe -- Because nothing says "Quality Baked Beans" like winning the Vince Lombardi trophy! Soon to come: "John Force's Fuel-Air Mix Chili", "Bernie Williams' Own Sauerkraut with Garlic" and "John Kruk's Trail Mix (with Extra Nuts)"! Okay, that last one was a low blow... (4th, Yahoo)
heavily fucked twats -- That's how I like my labia these days... leathery and rough-hewn. The kind of skin that normally adorns the face of bedouin caravan-masters. The windblown and textured thickness... You get the idea. (2nd, Google)

June 18, 2003 (1:46 a.m. CDT)
Guess what sucks more than having both of your hard drives go tits-up? Having the replacement drive turn out to be a piece of shit. Here I am almost a week later with yet another drive in my computer. That'll be the last time I buy a Maxtor drive. Their documentation is great, but the drive itself had a tight-assed vacuum seal on the unwashed cock of a prize stud longhorn bull.

I wonder if Google considers this a blog. By most definitions (including my own), this is a blog, but the lack of php-indexed entries and other higher-tech blog doodads may disqualify me. This is good, because my search engine traffic will not die off immediately. Woo.

Recent search engine curiosities:
"james hutton" christ -- Hmm, the father of modern geology meets the Son of God. That'd make for a fun Celebrity Deathmatch. (44th, Google)
hairy ceylon girls in nude -- Have you ever noticed how the island of Sri Lanka appears to be falling off of the Indian subcontinent? I envision it like a small turd dropping to the toilet bowl after a fierce battle, holding on to a stand of anus hair. But that's just me. (23rd, AOL)
naked pictures of bea arthur -- I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see my site as the top result for this search. It makes me giddy. (1st, Google)
Hillary Swank and haircuts -- Hilary Swank (one 'L', not two) belongs in that "Boyishly cute actresses with short hair" club, along with Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver. It must be the jaw. (16th, Yahoo)
"katie holmes" maxim blog -- I can only guess what kinds of entries a Maxim blog would have... Friday, June 13th: Carmen Electra dropped by to give us herpes and an invitation to her next photoshoot. Alright! Saturday, June 14th: Paid $120 for an electric razor, billed it to editors. Editors demand to borrow it to shave their nutsacks. Monday, June 16th: Christina Aguilera will be by later for a shoot, so we ordered five extra cans of Crisco... just in case. (7th, Google)