June 10, 2003 (3:35 p.m. CDT)
Guess what sucks more than having your hard drive keel over and die on you? Having both of your hard drives go tits-up. Here's the quick rundown: Last month, the computer started randomly going through memory dumps and rebooting itself. I'd also noticed a marked slowdown in drive access speeds, primarily from my 18.2 GB Quantum drive (which was my system and boot drive). Eventually, it just stopped booting, hanging at the "Loading Network Components" screen. I reinstalled Windows on one of the partitions of my 40 GB IBM DeskStar, hoping that would fix the problem. No dice. After getting about half of my applications reinstalled, the BSODs and memory dumps came right back. After a few days of fuming, Caramelhead consented to buying a new drive, one with 160 gigabytes of storagey goodness." That brings me to now (a week later), with 90% of my applications reinstalled, all of my stored data (my local copies of these pages, my MP3s, my pics, my e-mail, all of my office documents and my browser settings) saved. So, I'm back blogging.

If this page dies in the coming weeks, it's because I have yet to register for summer classes. Once the tuition money's available, then we'll talk.

Some queer searches from the past few days:
jolly rancher commercial song -- I didn't know there was a Jolly Rancher jingle. It couldn't be worse than those Mentos commercials, could it? (8th, Google)
Birdcage building -- It's not just Google, it's "Google-søk"! (14th, Google)
women nose rhinoplastic -- I'm glad this searcher specified nose, because it'd be a shame for someone to mistakenly get rhinoplasty on their ass. Or their cheekbones. (27th, Yahoo)
toy model flatbottom boats -- This query reminds me of the Queen song "Fat-Bottomed Girls." And lord knows I've shagged a few of those in my time. The girls, not the boats. (6th, Yahoo)
appaloosa raping cult -- A hypothetical shopping list for said cult: 1 salt lick, 3 tubes each of ammonium nitrate and K-Y Jelly, 3 footstools, 50' of rope, 2 cans of WD-40, 20 purple robes with hoods and 25 lbs of apples. (3rd, Google.co.uk)

May 19, 2003 (4:19 a.m. CDT)
Ben (of SB3 and Cam Idol fame) posted an excerpt of our AIM conversation from Sunday. For the record, I'm not gay, and I don't plan on doing any hetero-bashing anytime soon. (Oh yeah, check out the Cam Idol link. If you're a camgirl or camboy, then apply. Then proceed to suck up to me, because I'm a judge.)

I forgot to mention my first contribution at Vutant: When VW commercials go wrong. It's a parody of the VW Passat commercials in high rotation on U.S. and Canadian TV. One thing about Vutant that I find distressing is the fact that most of the boobies disappeared from the site prior to my arrival. Site administrator Amanda/Armandar/Dar decided to unpervert the site a while ago, ostensibly to make the site more professional (she may want to be a Web designer when she grows up). In reality, her decision was made to conserve bandwidth. Porn does that, I hear.

My beloved Natalie Portman is now dating Y Tu Mama Tambien's diving board masturbator Gael Garcia Bernal, who was named one of the 12 Sexiest Guys in Showbiz by women.com. That's okay, as I've found a new celebrity crush: Keira Knightley from "Bend It Like Beckham." You may not know her now, as she's mostly been in small British movies, but she's due to explode when Pirates of the Caribbean hits theatres in July. (It should be noted that Knightley played one of the decoys for Portman's Queen Amidala in Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace. I think I have a high cheekbone fetish.)

Finally, a random GIS result. I haven't done one of these for a while, so lap it up while you have the chance! Ahh, quadruplets are freaks of nature, no? Is it me or does the one second from the right look awfully a lot like Richard Nixon? It must be me.

May 19, 2003 (3:44 a.m. CDT)
I have a job interview tomorrow. If I get the job, I will be an overnight pet-care specialist at a pet hotel. The pros of this job include: better synching with my largely nocturnal internal clock, a love of animals, no screaming toddlers and a hatred of the average department store customer. Cons may include rabies, allergies and smelling like dog pee. But I think I may like canine urine more than shoppers. Or, at the very least, I hate it less.

I completed my latest E2 node, Tom Green yesterday morning. I'm pleased with the results, though it's curious that I cited more sources for my Green biography than the last term paper I was assigned. I've also entered a few Photoshop contests at Fark:

Two searches to record:
recent christina aguilera weight gain pictures -- Yes, "Xstina" has chubbed up a bit in the last few months. Caramelhead says that it's because she's switched to the pill, but I'm leaning toward reproduction by fission. (64th, Google)
Conrad Bain porno -- I offer this as proof that eventually, some Internet denizen will exhaust the name of every celebrity (living or dead) in an effort to uncover some pornographic gem. Conrad Bain, you may remember, was the rich Mr. Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes. (2nd, Yahoo)

May 17, 2003 (5:14 a.m. CDT)
"I may post again later tonight" -- And by "tonight" I meant "In a week's time." Oops. This time, I will post something later on. I won't promise, but I will strongly affirm my intention of posting. How's that?

Gord's virtual bike trek (Day 2)
Total distance from Ft. Worth to Winnipeg: 1308 miles
Mileage coverered today (well, three days ago): 6.0 miles (cumulative: 13.3 miles) (Where's Gord now?)
Riding duration (min:sec): 26:00 (cumulative 1:01:25)
Remaining mileage: 1294.7 miles
Last waypoint passed: Ft. Worth, TX
Next waypoint: Denton, TX (14.7 miles remaining)

Only three remarkable search engine referrals: http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/search?query=sneezing+granny+pics">sneezing granny pics -- This smacks of a Photoshop contest entrant searching for some source pics. (10th, AOL)
Aisha Tyler Nude -- There's been a spike in Aisha Tyler searches recently, undoubtedly driven by her recent appearances to the cast of Friends. Pretty tasty, eh? (4th, Lycos)
blowjobs on buses -- I can't claim to have accomplished this, but my fraternity brother Jay claimed to nail a chick while riding Transit Tom. Later, when he pointed out the girl in question, we realized how he managed suck a feat... She was large enough to completely obscure his average-sized frame. Good one on ya, Jay. (14th, Excite)

May 10, 2003 (2:12 a.m. CDT)
The attrition at work has started. My employer has decided to, through a policy of tightening benefits eligibility criteria and reduced working hours, save money by screwing over their working stiffs. within the next few weeks, I anticipate several of my co-workers to quit. One has left already, but it looks like she's going to be the vanguard of the exodus. I was never benefits-eleigible anyway, so the changes have less of an impact on me, but the blue-haired little old ladies with whom I work need that health coverage, and may just decide to leave for greener pastures. Rumor has it that the company wants to hire 16-year olds for the summer, just so they can pay them less. On the plus side, that means more hot, Lolita-esque teenaged tail for me to ogle this summer.

I'm feeling ambitious, so I may post again later tonight.

Recent search engine referrals (I gots me some good'uns today):
frayed sleeves -- You'd figure this is a relatively common phrase (although, probably not for most Web searches), so I should be honored to be #2. Yay me! (2nd, Google)
video "when we was fab" references -- Quick list: Ringo Starr, eastern spiritualism, apples, long-assed keyboards and spray paint. (14th, Google)
animated Pillsbury doughboy farting -- I got two searches for this, which means that there's some new meme going around, or that the original guy couldn't remember what info he found. I could check the IPs, but I don't care that much. (2nd, Google)
gloria estefan circumcision -- The last time I checked, south Florida was governed by the tenets of Sharia, nor were there any fundamentalist Muslim clerics in the Miami Sound Machine. (10th, Earthlink)
rita macneil working man mp3 -- To a Canadian comedian, Rita MacNeil is a walking punchline... or perhaps a waddling punchline (ba-dum-dum). I've gone to that well of humor before, and I may have to again. Shameless, thy name is Gord. (30th, Search66)
"cloris leachman" nude -- GAH! (2nd, alltheweb)

May 8, 2003 (4:48 a.m. CDT)
I'll be frank with you; my heart's not in this post. I'm not looking forward to going to school tomorrow, nor am I especially thrilled with the idea of going to work tomorrow (on my day off) for the going-away party of one of my co-workers. At least there's good TV tomorrow.

Within the next few days, I should be posting links to a few things I've written for other sites. I'm 80 percent done composing a write-up for E2, and should get it completed by Sunday. Amanda, the mistress over at Vutant has been on my case, trying to persuade me to post my first contribution. (Sar needs to learn the whole vinegar and honey parable, because she's hardly been sugarcoating my role at Vutant.) I'm thinking of involving "Born to Fuck Pooh" somehow, but the details still elude me.

Recent search engine referrals:
subliminal messages+camel cigarettes -- Right now, I'm think of Kevin Nealon in a sombrero, slipping smoking references into his badly-pronounced Spanish newscast. (25th, Google.com.mx)
natalie portman "Old Spice" commercial -- Judging by the lack of hits for this search (only three), it's safe to assume that my beloved Nat hasn't filmed any Old Spice ads. Possibly in Japan, where the product would be affectionately known as "The Flavorings of our Ancestors." (3rd, Google)
aimee osbourne breasts -- Imagine a young, pre-narcotics Ozzy Osbourne. Okay, now make him a her, but pretty. That's Aimee. I'd hit it. (3rd, Google.com)

May 7, 2003 (12:42 a.m. CDT)
The McDonald's nearest to my apartment has to be among the shittiest on the planet. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but consider the evidence:
-- Hiring drive-thru staff who don't have a command of the English language. Listen, I fully support hiring immigrants, but if there is face-to-face interaction with customers, make sure they know how to pronounce "yellow." I spent a minute trying to find out if he meant "cheddar" or "American" or some kind of mutant, gelatinous cheese found only in McDonalds' experimental kitchens.
-- If you have a special, limited-time only menu item taht you are promoting heavily, make damn-well sure you have the adequate amounts of ingredients on hand.
-- Clean the fucking tables.
-- At 3:30, when rush hour is starting up, try to have more than one person working the counter.
Contrast this with the McDonald's location just north of the UTA campus, which touts itself as the fastest drive-thru in North Texas (or something to that effect). And I believe them. I've never had to wait longer than five minutes after placing my order, regardless of time of day and the number of cars ahead of me. In addition, they have yet to fuck my order up.

Okay, referral time:
Alyson Hannigan against the war of Iraq -- If the opinions of pop culture heavyweights like Madonna, the Dixie Chicks and Martin Sheen didn't sway the Bush administration, it's doubtful that Willow from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" will hold much sway. Then again, I could see Dubya as a Buffy fanboy... (86th, AOL)
pics of Ashton Kutcher's family -- If Ashton was a chick, I bet he'd be pretty hot. I guess a like-minded person wanted to know if he has any similarly hot, full-lipped sisters. Perhaps Mrs. Kutcher is looking for a little companionship tonight. (11th, Google)
sex videos wendy sucking old cock beer farts -- "Okay, we have the video cameras, the old men with beer farts, but we need a Wendy. Wendy from Peter Pan? Wendie Malick? Wendy O. Williams?" (18th, Google)
keanu reeves fucking -- Ah, to be listed on an obscure Hungarian search engine! (11th, [origo] + [vizsla])

May 4, 2003 (3:50 p.m. CDT)
I did this:

April 24, 2003 (9:02 p.m. CDT)
Normally, I'd strive to make this entry longer, but Internet Explorer is being a twat. Actually, I can't be 100 per cent sure MSIE's to blame, as it only seems to crash when going to one Web site (E2). Scratch that, it crashed again when I tried doing a Google search. I'm going to try closing the windows I have open, rebooting and seeing if the problem repeats itself. I'm thinking that this may be a side effect of the IE update I downloaded from Windows Update last night. Bloody buggy Microsoft software.

The only browser windows I have open are my search engine referrals. Here they are:
"rebecca eckler" "matchmaking" -- Rebecca is a columnist for the National Post, and seems to draw the weirdest assignments. Did I mention that I love her? (1st, Google)
grandmother's first taste of pussy -- NOT COOL! (128th, AOL)
"aisha tyler" + jewish -- In the words of a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile of Lisa Marie Presley, "Yum-yum, gimme some!" (35th, Google)
soft funbags -- I think that "funbags" may be my favorite euphemism for breasts. It's just so... fun! (4th, Google)

April 24, 2003 (2:10 a.m. CDT)
I'm not a crier. I can't remember the last time my eyes welled up with tears, at least not with any accuracy. (Women, with their uncanny internal daybooks, remember the last eleven times they cried, what you said to trigger the waterworks and on what day of their menstrual cycle it happened, but I digress.) That being said, it is remarkable that I cried (albeit briefly) at the end of Amazing Gracie, A Dog's Tale tonight. I'm pretty sure that I've never been brought to tears by a book until tonight, save for those heaved in my direction. Pick it up, it's a short read, but certainly worth it if you love dogs.

Now that SB3 has come to its conclusion, I can devote more time to noding. My latest contribution is Messerschmitt Me 163 Komet, a continuation of my series of nodes covering the airplanes of the Luftwaffe. It's been very well received so far, with a net reputation of +32 and the third-highest "goodness" out of all my nodes. In fact, I think I'll write a new node now...

Search engine goodies:
manilow -- Wow. My blogging life is complete! I can pack up everything, delete all my HTML files and format my hard drives. I am, according to Daypop, the number one resource for information on Barry Manilow. Pardon me while I stab screwdrivers into my eye sockets. (1st, Daypop)
dogfucking -- I'm one of the top ten sites for canine copulation it seems. (6th, Lycos.de)
simeon rice and girlfriend -- Rice, a defensive lineman for the Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers (that phrase still doesn't roll off the tongue, does it?) must be dating a hottie. Either that, or she looks like Kathy Bates. (107th, Google)
saeed al-sahaf sound clips -- Good old Muhammed could make a killing by lending his voice for prank answering machine messages -- assuming, of course, he wasn't wanted by the Coalition forces. Imagine that... calling your friend and hearing the voice of the former Iraqi Minister of Information ask you to "leave your name at the beep, before you commit suicide on the walls of Baghdad, you dirty Zionist infidel!" I'd pay good money to have that. (18th, Google)
karen's bowel movements -- I've smelled them, and they're not pretty. (17th, Google)

April 22, 2003 (12:34 a.m. CDT)
Caramelhead's back! I'm not sure who missed her more: me or the dogs. I'm going to go with the dogs on this one, but not because I missed her. The dogs like me just fine, but when it comes to disciplining them, I'm the "bad cop" and Karen's the good cop. You get the picture.

I think I'm going to reformat the blogchives. Google seems to index only the first 100 kilobytes of any certain page, which means that a lot of text on those pages gets ignored. So, in the interest of driving up my hit counts, I think I'm going to leave the two-month format and go to a maximum 99kb format.

Search engine referrals:
sexy schuyler fisk fucking -- Would you do Sissy Spacek's daughter? Obviously, that guy would. And so would I. (2nd, Google.de)
what is Hillary Duff's favorite pony -- Of the Hillary Duff searches that lead people to my site, this is *not* representative of the majority. Usually, they're filthy. Or just strange, like the guys who think that her actual AIM screenname can be found online. If you found "Hillary Duff"'s screenname, don't be surprised when it turns out to be some balding fat guy in Mississippi. (1st, Google)
orlando predators cleavage -- Most of the cleavage on the Orlando Predators is nasty, offensive lineman cleavage. The sexy broad on their billboards, on the other hand... (3rd, Google)
seahorse mutilation videos pictures -- Some people should not be allowed into aquariums. (3rd, Google)

April 21, 2003 (4:31 a.m. CDT)
Before you read anything else on this page, go vote for Grandma Bertha. 85-year old Bertha Clemmons is the grandmother of a fellow Farker, and is one of the two finalists in a contest to win a VIP day at the 129th Kentucky Derby. So, be nice and vote -- only once, we think they're monitoring for people who cast multiple votes -- for the precious granny and help her fulfill her dream. Oh, for the play-by-play, look on the Fark.com forums.

I'm dreading the uber-Rangers update that I owe you. I'll get to it later tonight.

Only two search engine referrals of note:
all of the pictures of iraqi people in gordon bell -- Gordon Bell is a high school in Winnipeg's inner-city. What scares me is the thinking behind the search, because I can't think of a good-hearted reason why someone would want pictures of all the students of Iraqi descent. Creepy, if you think about it. (2nd, Google.ca)
crotch-bulge -- Now here's something that I know about! (33rd, Google)

April 20, 2003 (7:43 p.m. CDT)
I think this may be the first Easter in twenty years where I didn't eat a Cadbury's Easter Creme egg. I've been in love with those things as long as I can remember, but I am a sucker for hypersweet food and drink. I suppose I could swing by Target tomorrow and get myself some discount Easter candy, just to make sure that the streak isn't broken.

Moron. Assholes. The sex. Dipshit. Fuckwad.

April 20, 2003 (4:55 a.m. CDT)
I'm tempted to set up a streaming music channel. I'm still debating the idea, weighing the security and bandwidth concerns against the utter coolness of having my own radio station toil in obscurity online. "But how?" you ask. Well, memepool's music page posted a link to PeerCast, which is offering a free client that lets pretty well anybody set up their own music stream. So far, very cool, eh? If I go ahead and do this, then I think I'll opt to go with an all-covers format. I even have a crackalackin' name: "Under the Covers and Between the Sheets". Lately, I've been on a one-man mission to find all the cool covers I can: Motorhead's cover of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" (with Wendy O. Williams), Beck covering Hank Williams' "Your Cheatin' Heart" and the Barenaked Ladies performing Lionel Richie's "Say You, Say Me" in concert are all recent finds, courtesy of The Covers Project. (I'd contributed a few covers listings to the project prior to their December hiatus.)

blahblahblahsearchenginecrappyreferralshite:
online blog of mormons -- The phrase "blog of mormons" conjures up the tune of Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages". Blog of Mormons/Blog of Mormons/Still preachin'/Keep reachin'... Something tells me this wouldn't get much airplay outside of Utah. Gunter glieben glauten globen indeed. (10th, Fast via Dogpile)
kelly osbourne titty pictures -- I'd rather see Aimee Osbourne's titties. Hell, I'd take Sharon Osbourne's ta-tas over Kelly's nine days out of ten. (4th, Google)
scandals winnipeg bar close -- So many memories of Scandals: drunk girls reaching up my kilt, rocking out to The Hip and Spirit of the West on the night I met my wife, scaring away Kelly's mostly-harmless stalker, scamming free Limeaid-Sevens via the province's designated driver initiative and, of course, the drunken trips to Perkins afterwards. (6th, Yahoo Canada)

April 19, 2003 (4:28 a.m. CDT)
A very quick blog update...

People Magazine of all publications ran a few interesting pictures of the aftermath of looting in Baghdad. One funny photograph shows the debris strewn across the floor of the house of the former Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister, Tariq Aziz. On the floor was his copy of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits on LP. I don't know what was funnier: the fact that he has that album or the fact that the looters left it behind (but only after taking the bathroom fixtures).

I wish my allergies would subside. I'm getting tired of the sniffling and the expectorating and the farting and the sneezing. Don't mind me, I'm just complaining.

April 19, 2003 (4:28 a.m. CDT)

Remember, God gave his only garnish to die for your sins.
Enjoy your Festival of the Undead Messiah!

I think I've been recruited to write over at Vutant, but I'm not 100 percent sure yet. We'll see if they get back to me over the weekend.

And because I haven't recently, here's some more falsified drivel meant to throw off Yahoo's shiny new search engine:

Scene: An uninhabited hunk of rock in the Orkneys
"Mohammed... Are you sure we won't be seen here?" asked Brittany. "I mean, we can't let people know... Y'know, about us."
"Yeah Mohammed," chimed Monica. "This could throw it all off course."
What a trio they made: Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (the Iraqi Information Minister turned cult hero), Brittany Murphy (Ashton Kutcher's ex) and Monica Bellucci (the sultry Italian actress from The Matrix Reloaded). They clung together, shivering and huddled together. The war had done this to them; before the invasion there were the furtive trysts in the Iraqi embassies in Russia and France and the rented rooms at the Carlton in Damascus. And now? All they had was an abandoned lighthouse in the nether regions of Scotland.
"Be still, my heaven-sent angels of cane sugar. Allah will be merciful and loyal Iraqis will rise up against the Zionists and cast them out. And when Saddam's motorcade passes under the Victory Arch, we will be together in the fifth car. And our windows will be tinted... very tinted."
He knew he was lying to them, but that's what he had to do. It was what he always did. And he was very good at it.

Finally, search engine referrals!
mario van peebles sex huge cock -- GAH! (18th, Yahoo)
googlewhack magenta -- Ahem, finding googlewhacks is a bit more difficult that just entering a search like that one. Plus, magenta is a bit too common of a word to easily whack, so I'd recommend trying less common words like bishoprics and lutefisk (mmm, fishy). Or maybe dadgum or otorhinolaryngological perhaps?(3rd, Google)
big turds big titties -- Wasn't that a movie with Michael J. Fox and Kiefer Sutherland? Wait a second, I'm thinking of Bright Lights, Big City. (2nd, Yahoo)
david hasselhoff ooga chaka -- Yes, Hasselhoff did a cover of the "Ooga Chaka" song. (It's called "Hooked on a Feeling," by the way.) And yes, I've heard it. And no, it's not as bad as it sounds... unless, of course, you have a serious aversion to cheese. (15th, Excite)

April 18, 2003 (4:31 a.m. CDT)
An early morning conversation with Joey Michaels yielded fresh and heretofore undiscovered blogging territory. First some background: I may or may not have an extensive MP3 collection, which (assuming its existence) may or may not contain files to which I have legal right to archive digitally. And, I may or may not keep track of this hypothetical collection in an Excel spreadsheet, alphabetized by artist. Now, if I hypothetically added another song to this collection (which may or may not exist, and may or may not comprise songs from within the public domain), then I'd also need to add the track into my spreadsheet. Now, consider this... this spreadsheet may or may not juxtapose all sorts of artists from different genres and eras together, creating some odd pairings. Now, imagine if this spreadsheet wasn't a list of songs (which may or may not be on my hard drive), but a voters' list. This would mean that names adjacent to each other in the spreadsheet would be literal neighbors in... MR. GORDO'S NEIGHBORHOOD!

"So I said 'Why don't we just call it Ringorama and get the fuck out of here?' Brilliant, eh?"

"Ringo, you are too sexy for our party!"

After an awkward pause, the four of them laughed -- the veteran ex-Beatle and the three men responsible for one of the most annoying one-hit wonders ever. It seemed like a normal barbecue on a normal day in the suburbs, but only with 50% more Mr. Clean lookalikes.

"It's not like this is a real party," said Ringo. "It's just us four and that dessicated zombie over there." Ringo motioned over to the Right Said Fence, where the hungry-looking corpse of Ricky Nelson was alternately leaning and rocking. "There's no way he's disco dancing."

"BRA-A-A-A-A-A-ATWURST!"

"Fred, get the croquet mallet and beat that thing away. The flies are bad enough, but pretty soon his sons will come over to visit, and then we'll never get any sleep..."

April 18, 2003 (1:38 a.m. CDT)
I discovered tonight that my remote control will flip channels from as far away as my computer desk. Unlike the old apartment, Frankencomputer has been relegated to his own room (shared with the fish and the exercise bike), meaning that I can't watch TV while gaming/blogging/writing. I can still hear the TV from the computer room, even though it's some 40+ feet away. I like the background noise; especially if there's something on that's worth listening to. (Tonight's Stars-Oilers game is a perfect example.) Having never tried before, I was impressed that the poor, battered remote worked as well as it did from so far away.

On a related note, being a bachelor lets me do some of the things that I cannot get away with while Caramelhead's around. Leaving the television on when out of the room is an example. Other liberties I plan to take this weekend include: leaving the timer paused on the microwave after removing food prior to the "Time's Up" beep, eating grocery store bakery cakes, driving Melonhead and leaving my catchrags lying at the side of the bed. Ah... the freedom!

In my three-and-a-half day blogging vacation, I wasn't completely idle. I wrote my first E2 node since January (Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City) and I submitted a few Photoshop contest entries at Fark:

I'll be back in a bit with the week's Rangers wrap-up, but until then, I have more search engine referrals to share with y'all:
"sarah silverman" nude -- Trust me, I wish they existed, too! Sarah did appear in Playboy last year, but it was an interview and not a pictorial or anything naughty. Okay, somewhat naughty. And yes, I do read the articles. (39th, Yahoo)
pictures of duck embryos hacking -- I'm pretty sure this person meant hatching, but the visual of tiny, embryonic birds suffering from black lung while in their eggs is firmly ensconced in mind now. (7th, Google.ca)
Mrs. Butterworth balloon -- Now there's a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon we can all love! Nothing says "fucking over the Indians" like helium-filled portrayals of archaic and socially-unacceptable Negro stereotypes! Actually, it's a syrup bottle-shaped hot air balloon, as I learned later. This site has a crude animated GIF of the Mrs. Butterworth balloon's inflation. (20th, Google)
BROTHER SHOWING BROTHER HOW TO TAKE ENEMA -- Why settle for gay incest when you can have GAY INCEST? (10th, Google)
doves seoul olympics -- Little did the Koreans know they had just built the world's largest hibachi grill... (7th, Google)

April 17, 2003 (4:44 p.m. CDT)
I'm a bachelor again, at least for the next four days. I dropped Fungushead off at DFW for her flight back to Minnesota. Her uncle's getting a kidney transplant (with her cousin as the donor) as I type this, so she wanted to go back to help prop up her worrisome mother. There's the added bonus of being able to celebrate the Festival of the Undead Messiah with her family, too. (I'm sure that last statement will raise the ire of my mother, who recenly converted to Catholicism. Then again, she never reads my writing, so she won't see it.)

In speaking about bachelorhood, isn't this Andrew Firestone guy (from ABC's "The Bachelor") a complete cheesedick? (Mike from Parmistan seems to think so, although I think he was referring to the previous bachelor, Aaron Buerge, who was also a complete cheesedick.) Either way, "Tire-Lad the Doofus" has eliminated most of my favorites -- the tall and athletic Amy from SC, tomboy Tina from TN, and the stunning Heather -- from the running in favor of lantern-jawed anorexics from Wisconsin and the resident cougar. Shit, most of my faves didn't make it past the first night.

I have much more to blog about, including E2 and the Rangers, but I'll leave that for later tonight. Until then, here's the best of the worst search engine referrals:
masturbate -- It's nice to know that Google considers me a scholar on the topic of self-gratification. I know I do. (214th, Google Directory)
jenna bush nude pics -- Hey, if it's good enough for Uday, it's good enough for me! (90th, AOL)
pictures of what A Polynesian person's house looked like -- Somehow, I'm an expert of this, too. Haven't you seen Cast Away yet? (5th, Google)
diamagnetic materials animations -- That's what I get for using five dollar words in my blog entries... people come here looking for scientific research. Fools. (29th, Google.com.br)