March 16, 2003 (1:56 a.m. CST)
K... Installation of Moveable Type is complete. I had to relearn a lot of the UNIX commands that I'd forgotten. After cleaning up a few minor errors in the config file (a missing slash here, an incorrect directory location there), it appears to be up and working. Now, all I have to do is teach myself style sheets. I had planned to archive the Jan/Feb posts tonight, but that will have to wait until tomorrow night. I will slowly start archiving the individual posts in MT sometime this week, as soon as I get the jist of the formatting. Don't expect much of a departure from what you see here. I'm not in the mood for drastic changes...yet.

I think I have the energy and time for one quick game of Battlefield 1942 before I go to sleep.

March 17, 2003 (1:56 a.m. CST)
Instead of working on the MT layout for the soon-to be unveiled new archive, I opted instead to archive the entries from the pervious two months. Done and doner.

It's Day 21 of SURVIVORblog3, and there is drama afoot. I figured that my time had come, and I was getting the axe. But no! I survive to blog again, and go into the next Immunity Challenge expecting to do well. As for my response to the switching alliances and bitter feelings, all I could do was babble about Girl Guide cookies.

Referrals o' the day:
chawla and surname meaning -- I find this more compelling than the fool who was looking for nude pics of the fallen astronaut. Not knowing Hindi limits my ability to answer the question at hand, though. (6th, Google)
blonde cousin cock freckled -- No, I don't have any blonde cousins with freckles on their penises. (17th, Yahoo)
"royal chopstix" menu -- Royal Chopstix is a restaurant (chain?) that I frequented last year, during my tenure at AT&T Broadband's Plano call center. Like the menus at many Chinese food establishments, there were several examples of "Engrish" to be found. (8th, Google)
Whataburger mariachi commercial -- Over the last few months, my opinion of Whataburger has weakened. I'd like something besides ketchup and gravy to dip my chicken fingers into, thank you. The ads featuring the mariachis didn't help the situation, not did it hurt it. (10th, Google)

March 15, 2003 (9:11 p.m. CST)
Few can deny that this guy may be the coolest father in the world. What five-year old wouldn't be the envy of the kids on the block if he rolled up to Eddie's birthday party in his own custom-built tank? The father had better not teach his son how to load the cannon himself, unless of course he doesn't mind replacing the windows every week and hammering dents out of the side panels of the minivan.

Well, Natalie Maines touched a nerve with her comments about being ashamed of sharing a home state with George W. Bush. After fans railed against radio stations who played the Dixie Chicks, she apologized. What does this mean for me? More hits, it seems. Several recent visits to this site have come from people looking for information about the scandal, only to find none. Sorry guys.

In speaking of strange referrals...
rachel weisz in node -- Now, is the searcher illiterate and looking for nudie pics, or is "Node" some indie project that hasn't seen the light of day yet. Seeing how her filmography makes no mention of a movie with a title similar to "Node," I'm going with the former. (10th, AOL)
"traditional sabbath dinner" -- Oy, again with the Jewish stuff! Can't you see I'm a goyim? (18th, Google)
"mr. peepers" +katie holmes +download -- BAH! (3rd, Google)
mantelopes -- I thought I had invented this word last month, but it turns out that Mantelope is a cartoon produced for the Cartoon Network. Either way, only one other site uses the word in its plural form. (1st, MSN)
dirty hockey slut stories -- He shoots, he scores! (10th, AOL)

March 15, 2003 (1:43 a.m. CST)
Bed is sweetly whispering my name, so I'll abbreviate a number of topics into one bulleted list. Here's a few things that happened today that make me happy:

• Spring break = STARTED
• Shorthorn article = UP
• DSL = WORKING
• Archived Toban stories from 1997 = FOUND

After returning home from the "Cavalcade of Crappy Customers" that I attended at work, Caramelhead declared that she wanted to order some rolls from the new Texas Roadhouse that opened up on the NE Loop 820 Frontage road recently. We tried it out on Tuesday night with her parents and sister and our two-year old niece. Besides the chronic undercooking of my food and the volume of the music (to be expected in a roadhouse, though), the place was pretty decent. Karen and I fell in love with their rolls, which come with a tasty honey butter. I called over and places a "to go" order for a dozen rolls, and that was our dinner. (I also had the wife's leftovers from Tuesday night, so don't go thinking that I've adopted a prison diet.)

March 14, 2003 (12:28 p.m. CST)
I met my first congressmen today. A pair of local U.S. representatives paid a visit to campus today to tour the Nanofab facility. Only one of the two, Rep. Martin Frost (D-TX, 24th) was on time (Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX, 6th) missed the speeches, but showed up in time for the end of the photo op). Joining the congressmen were Arlington mayor Elzie Odom and David Sampson, the Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Economic Development. There's something a bit disconcerting about seeing my elected officials posing for press photos wearing rubber gloves and plastic hairnets. (I wrote a story for today's Shorthorn about the visit, the link will be posted sometime soon.)

As soon as the DSL is activated in the new apartment -- yes, I am still waiting -- I'll get to archiving the January and February posts. My blogging habits should return to normal around that time, so regular items like references to my MP3 playlist and the random GIS images should return then, too.

After skipping yesterday, I've returned with a list of more queer-looking referrals that lead surfers to this page. There were a few more which were almost as funny that I could have posted, but cut out for space considerations.
north dakota -- Hmm...top 100 sites for a very common search. And most of the hits ahead of me were from one newspaper, making me one of the experts on North Dakotans. Hell, I spent enough time driving up and down I-29, so that has to count for something. (51st, Daypop)
iraqi nude girls pics -- Although Iraq is not a fundamentalist state, this search term reminded me of the 'Burqa Baddies' skit that SNL ran a year or so ago. (25th, Yahoo)
beggin strips commercial -- I want bacon! This is the second time in the last few days that someone was looking for more info on this commecial. (40th, Google)
iron knuckles dc-9 crack -- Huh? I have no clue what this person really wants. Are they talking about cracking your fingers on a flight? Or cracks in the airplane's fuselage? Or getting iron knuckle replacements and using them to smuggle narcotics aboard international flights? (3rd, Google.de)
"I am Emmitt Smith" -- No, I am Emmitt Smith. (20th, Yahoo)
tatu pics frenchie davis -- Together Frenchie and t.A.T.u account for almost half of the traffic coming to my blog. God forbid they ever perform together, because my hit count will skyrocket. (5th, Yahoo)
george bush ayrton senna war europeans -- Something tells me that Dubya didn't check with Senna before going to the U.N. Afterall, Senna is a dead F1 driver from Brazil. (3rd, Yahoo)
toffee chemistry lab -- Better toffee through chemistry? (10th, Google)

March 13, 2003 (10:32 a.m. CST)

Sorry about the short, bitchy post from a hour-and-a-half ago. I was about to add onto it when an idea struck me for my entry into the latest SB3 immunity challenge. We were supposed to write a piece of fiction based on this photo:

(image lost, may return soon)

This is my entry.

March 13, 2003 (8:55 a.m. CST)
So, I was up until 3 a.m. last night/this morning scanning photos. My in-laws are returning to northwestern Minnesota this afternoon, so Caramelhead wanted me to scan the pictures before they left. Once again, my trusty little HP scanner proved its worth, making it one of the best peripherals I've bought for Frankencomputer. There's only so much my scanner can do, though. As I went through the 76 pictures (actually, it was 78, but two were duplicates) that the wife selected, I noticed a common theme: my in-laws do not take good photographs. I'm no Ansel Adams, but very few of the pictures taken over the last six days didn't chop off the top of somebody's head or cut the subject's legs at the knees. Frustratingly, the double leg amputee pictures usually leave over an inch of empty space above the subject's head, meaning it's a problem with bad aim and not with incorrect zoom ratio. And Caramelhead wants to know why I want a digital camera...

March 12, 2003 (5:16 p.m. CST)
I'm hungry. Hungry and impatient. Hungry, impatient and humming annoying tunes. How annoying? Really goddamn annoying. Like Stacey Q's "Two of Hearts" and the old theme song for "Wheel of Fortune."

The deadline for the SB3 Blogger Council is only a few minutes away. I don't know how secure my position is, but I have been trying to steer clear of some of the drama that has beset the game thusfar. It's not that I'm completely immune to being dramatic, it's just that I choose not to spill my emotions onto my blog.

A while ago, I mused about using a blogging tool to archive my posts. I think I've arrived at a decision: Moveable Type. From what I've read and from my experiences so far using the application on SB3, I'm happy with it. The only question left is whether omega meets the requirements...

March 12, 2003 (11:59 a.m. CST)
It's just past midday, and already the day is stacking up to be interesting. Thanks to Farker VinegarJones, I've found some money hidden away in a forgotten bank account. He posted a link to the Bank of Canada's unclaimed balances search tool. Thanks for the $CDN 18.56, VJ!

And finally, before I leave to interview a professor for a story I'm writing, more dumbass referrals to this site:
nude elves -- Isn't it a bit early in te year for Santa fetishes? (31st, Yahoo)
chunky haircuts -- Are these supposed to be haircuts for fat people or haircuts that make you look fatter than you actually are? (1st, Yahoo)
dirty panties crunchy -- They'll put almost anything into breakfast cereals these days... (6th, Google)
-- Oh, God! She's such a cow! I mean, how could she let herself balloon up to...what, 120 lbs? (2nd, Google)
goyfriend -- And I thought I was the only person who made up Yiddish/English patois words... (13th, Yahoo)
war and toiletries -- It's nice to see some hits starting to roll in from Daypop. (3rd, Daypop)

March 11, 2003 (12:44 p.m. CST)
And now...a paragraph of made-up crap to further corrupt the search engines!

Kelly Ripa came over the other day to borrow a bottle of baby oil and a large sheet of plastic. Through her mumbling, I gathered that she'd invited Avril Lavigne, Woody Harrelson and Christopher Walken over for a orgy of the stars, but had forgotten to get the "party favors," so to speak. Not wanting to part with my new Spongebob Squarepants shower curtain, I dug into my Terrorism Preparedness Kit and fished out my roll of polyethylene. Unfortunately, I was out of baby oil, so I snuck a bottle of Mazola in as replacement. Her Xanax was starting to kick in, so I doubt she noticed. The next day, I found an oily and torn Wilkesboro Elementary School t-shirt in the trashcan, covered in peanut shells, powdered sugar and Jolly Rancher wrappers. I don't care how much the Enquirer wants to pay me, I do not want to learn what took place in her apartment that evening.

Congrats to Ernie from lyd, who won a crapload of Bloggies at SXSW.

March 11, 2003 (11:30 a.m. CST)
Woot! Spring break commences in three days. Not that I'd notice, because I'll be working much of it, and it's not like I attend classes regularly anyway...

A recent SB3 challenge asked me to create a new holiday. I borrowed an idea from The Simpsons and came up with Mediocre Presidents' Day. Another curious challenge had us translating Shakespearian monologues into pig latin.

Let's do some freakish search engine referrals, shall we?
wally men nude timberwolves -- Wally Szczerbiak falls into the same category as Natalie Maines (see below): celebrities who I'd much rather kept their clothes on. (8th, Google)
catherine+bell's+measurements -- I thought this was a little more creative than the search for "Catherine Bell cleavage" I got yesterday. Gotta love them military titties... (10th, Google)
thesis about susan sarandons life -- I thought that Sarandon was eminently fuckable in Bull Durham, but I can't forgive her for Stepmom and The Banger Sisters. That's all the material that my thesis would need.

March 10, 2003 (2:19 p.m. CST)
This rocks my antichristian world. I wouldn't put it past the Catholics to steal the bris ceremony and corrupt it into something bizarre and bloody. Good job, Joey!

I'm not looking forward to working tonight. I'd much rather spend time with my in-laws, sit on the balcony grilling animal flesh, drinking beer and playing my new video game. Alas, it isn't to be so...

And as always, more odd referring pages:
"chelsea clinton is pregnant" -- That's what I heard...last June. (2nd, Yahoo)
Natalie Maines nude -- GAH! Natalie Maines is the lead singer and guitarist from the Dixie Chicks. She's a great singer, but not anywhere near the top of my "celebrities I want to see nekkid" list. (18th, Yahoo)
vegan celebrities the beetles -- Firstly, it's "The Beatles" (this, for the morons of the world). And as far as I know, only certain members of the group avoided meat: certainly Paul McCartney and likely George Harrison. Doesn't anybody watch The Simpsons anymore? (11th, Google)
tina fey gender articles -- What's up with the oddball Tina Fey searches? People want to see her nude. People want to see her scars. People want to know which restroom door she uses... (36th, Google)
cock fun scottish borders -- Please, please, please let this be about raising roosters for fun and profit... (121st, Yahoo)

March 10, 2003 (2:35 a.m. CST)
And yet another update written from home, with no Internet connection. Someday soon -- it'd better be tomorrow, if SBC knows what's good for them -- this post (and its brethren from February 24) will make it to the main pages. Until then...

Yesterday, we celebrated my niece's second birthday. She didn't have much of an idea what was happening, but she seemed quite happy with the talking Woody doll (the cowboy from Pixar's Toy Story) that we bought her. I'm not around young children much...excepting those annoying toddlers that shopping parents leave to their own devices at Penney's, but we'll set them aside for now. In general, I like to try to get inside peoples' heads, and imagining how the world must seem to a young girl just entering the stage where usable memories can be formed is compelling, to say the least. As an example, consider this: yesterday, she learned how to blow out candles on a birthday cake. It's doubtful that anybody truly remembers blowing out the candles on their birthday cake when they were two-years old, but my niece will live the rest of her life with the innate knowledge that we (at least as North Americans, I'm unable to comment on any customs outside of Canada and the United States) extinguish the flickering lights that dance above the colored frosting. In all likelihood, she'll pass this knowledge onto her own progeny in a couple of decades, continuing her chain of the collective human experience. And it only took her three tries to get it.

A paragraph to confound the search engines:

John Madden and Tyra Banks went to meet up with Wil Wheaton and Charo at the county fair. Wil, fresh off writing an article about his experience playing Getaway on his PS2 with Hunter S. Thompson and Sarah Silverman last week, proclaimed his enthusiasm for gaming in the nude. Wil was clutching a leaflet titled "How to make Crystal Meth" that Thompson had given him and was waving frantically at Justin Timberlake, who was riding the ferris wheel. Timberlake didn't wave back, possibly because he was he was talking to Jenna Bush on his cell phone, but more likely because he was getting a blowjob from Paris Hilton.

March 7, 2003 (1:16 p.m. CST)
Now you can download The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain in less time than it takes to say the whole frigging title. Well, almost. Developers of the Internet2 framework have set an Internet speed record by transmitting 6.7 gigabytes of data halfway across the globe in under a minute. (Two feature-length movies, no less.) While it is yet to be confirmed, the MPAA is expected to file an injunction soon. (Okay, that's a lie. It's not implausible, though...)

In case you didn't know, I've been on TV recently. Nothing major, just a schlub drinking a Slurpee on a Food Network show.

March 6, 2003 (3:15 p.m. CST)

That's the closest approximation that Ben from infectedelf.com (and the admin for SB3) could make of me from my bio photo. While the Bret Hart sunglasses are a nice touch, the game sprite is a little clean-shaven and Ben Afflecky for me. But then again, it is a nice touch. I like the view of my character from below, as it makes me look that much taller than the rest of the SB3 crowd when all the buttons are put together.

The in-laws arrive tonight. We'll see how that goes...

And more from the weird, weird world of strange search engine referrals...
bandanas "Snoozie" -- I have no idea who Snoozie is, but methinks he'll wake up with a nasty case of bandana-head. (1st, Yahoo)
nude pictures of kalpana chawla -- This is dirty, and for most of the wrong reasons. (5th, Yahoo)
alicia witt soprano picture -- Now here's a porn surfer after my own heart. Alicia Witt is a stunningly-beautiful redheaded actress who guest starred as a film industry executive in an episode of The Sopranos. In the episode, Witt gets nekkid with mobster Christopher (Michael Imperioli), making these screencaps that I approve of. (31st, Google.com.au)
past articles about ex-girlfriends written on FHM -- Sometimes I like to get inside of the head of the people who plug odd searches into Google and Yahoo. (I blame Metaspy.) Was this person looking for something he/she had written about an ex? Something an ex of his current girlfriend wrote about her? Or was it a woman trying to find if her jilted lover was slandering her? We'll never know... (2nd, Yahoo)
Stockboys ball hockey -- He shoots, he scores! And he puts the ball in off of the box of Brawny! (1st, Google)
"LPGA" and "maser" -- At first glance, this seems like a strange combination. Then I found out that there's a golf instructor named Pat Maser in Florida. (10th, Google)
+medical+hominid+cunt -- Another combination of seemingly unrelated terms, perhaps from someone looking to become a forensic gynecologist. (10th, Google)
ignomious -- I was excited to find myself at the top of the list for a search for a relatively-common dictionary word...until I found that I spelled it incorrectly. Argh. The typo has since been fixed. (1st, Google)

March 4, 2003 (9:32 a.m. CST)
Man, am I a bitter Gord! I copied a bunch of HTML files onto a CD-RW a few nights ago so I could bring them here and upload them. So now that I have time... and I'm at school... and I didn't forget the freaking disc, you'd think that the Web page would be updated up the Yin-Yang, right? Nope. My CD-RW apparently is blank. Thankfully everything is backed-up at home, so everything should show up here sooner or later.

I'm getting sick of having to check my e-mail through a bloody web portal. Gripe gripe gripe. Bitch bitch bitch.

Finally, some curious searches from the last several days...
pics of chicks in sexy blouses -- Ooh! Sexy blouses! I'm liking the whole "dirty librarians in heat" vibe this search gives off. (45th, Google)
"nicole cates" -- Yip! It's questionable that the person who came to my site was looking for the same sweet, innocent, demure Nicole that I know and love. It is possible, though... (31st, Google)
Dawson's Creek is holding an open casting call on March 2003 -- Really? I heard it got cancelled. (28th, Yahoo)
haltom city pron -- Nice! I'm the Internet's expert on computer pornography in my hometown. (1st, Google)
maxim cordless hammer drill -- Not to be picky, but aren't all hammers cordless? No, a nail driver is not the same thing as a hammer, at least not in my book. And I suppose you could use a cordless drill as a substitute hammer, providing that there weren't any heavy, flat rocks you could use instead. (20th, AltaVista)
"I hate argentina" -- Don't we all. (6th, Yahoo)
mormons missionaries thumbtacks -- I'd much prefer thumbscrews. (1st, Google)
Nuclear capability of Zimbabwe's army -- Honestly, if you had scrolled through 171 previous hits and had yet to find an answer, shouldn't it be obvious? (172nd, Google)
chunky -- It's nice to know that I'm nestled between Big N Chunky and Bead Chunky Twinks Cum FREE PORN PASSES! (857th, Google)
krispy kreme mini crullers -- Damn, those things are tasty. (18th, AOL)

February 24, 2003 (2:29 a.m. CST)
One side effect of the Internet downtime is I can devote some time to adding more Toban articles (new one today, Returning to the flock...or the herd) to the site. I also have the impetus to work on the MP3 collection some more: rip a few more albums, test a few more downloaded tracks and finish a few more archive CDs. Maybe I'll do some schoolwork, too...

I hope I have clean clothes for tomorrow.

On my lunch break yesterday, we (myself, Caramelhead and our brother-in-law Dan) passed by the Williams & Sonoma store. Figured prominently in their displays was an orange Kitchenaid mixer, probably the same model as our own mixer, which has a functional black finish. I covet the orange mixers. And the orange spatulas and spoonulas. When I bought Karen's kitchen scale from the store last month, my gaydar picked up a number of strong signals from the staff (and a few from the customers, too). I hardly felt threatened, but the experience left me with a question: "Do I share my love of kitchen gadgets with the homosexual community?" Are gay men (or women, for that matter) better in the kitchen than us breeders? I'm sure that there's a sociology thesis in there somewhere.

February 24, 2003 (1:22 a.m. CST)
Let me start by saying that I have no idea when this post will uploaded. I currently am without an Internet connection at my new apartment, so I will have to find other means of getting this to the UTA servers. The logical thing would be to burn the relevant HTML files onto a CD-RW and FTP them onto the server from one of the Ransom Hall terminals. Although I claim to be a logical person by nature, I tend to find ways to avoid doing things as logically as possible. This time may be an exception.

I have to say that this weekend's move may the the easiest change of address in Texas history. For a young married couple, Caramelhead and I have accumulated a great deal of crap. By most measures, the decision to move was spur-of-the-moment -- Karen floated the idea past me on Wednesday, and we were out of the old place by Sunday evening. Most sudden moves would be a logistic nightmare, a problem lessened by the fact that our new apartment is adjacent to our old one. No stairs, no vehicles, no professional movers. Hell, we didn't even need a dolly. Shit, I carried all of my loads barefooted. Anything smaller than a breadbox was tossed into one of two laundry baskets and humped across the balcony to the new place. Our bed travelled an average of about five feet (the geometric average, or the sum of the distance vectors, measured from the centerpoint of the bed), and now rests on the opposite side of our old bedroom wall. This may have been one of the few moves in recorded history where cardboard boxes were burdensome, and were discarded prior to moving their contents.

The new place has basic cable, meaning that we were able to watch the Grammys. Of course, the story of the night was Norah Jones and her new collection of bookends. I missed the red carpet coverage and the opening hour, so I missed the tidbit about her wearing a borrowed dress to the ceremonies. How much would you wager that Eminem is penning a nasty lyric about Jones at this very minute?

Other Grammy thoughts: While Em didn't take Best Song or Best Record, he should be able to walk away content with the knowledge that he gave the evening's best performance. To date, I have never heard the Dixie Chicks sound bad live..or Coldplay, for that matter. I thought it was odd that the keyboardist from The Roots seemed to be the only person wearing a throwback jersey -- a Randall Cunningham Philadelphia Eagles jersey. As much as I love Caramelhead, I do have to shake my head at times, especially at times like when I have to explain who Joe Strummer was. I half-expected to see Jim Carrey hop out and strum away at his knee during the Springsteen/Costello/Grohl/Little Steven rendition of "London Calling."

February 23, 2003 (3:51 a.m. CST)
Now that my blog is meriting traffic from other blogs, it can only be assumed that other bloggers will want to link to my posts. My current, primitive single-page format makes linking to individual posts nearly impossible, and certainly counter-intuitive. Thus, I'm considering a compromise of sorts. I'll keep this page as is, but also post each individual entry using a more convential blogging tool. Along with making linking easier, this will enable readers to comment on individual posts, leave me love notes and generally spam me. It ain't happening any time soon, so stop your salivating already. I'm projecting an implementation date sometime during Spring Break, when I'll have more time to devote to such a cause.

Christopher Walken owns SNL.

Disney haters take notice, it looks like the legal obstacles preventing the media conglomerate from ponying up some $200 million in back royalties are quickly being brushed aside by the courts. Since I learned of Disney's tactic of limiting the releases of its videos (and later DVDs) to artificially inflate prices, I've had a hate-on for the company. I dislike the continual devaluation of animated classics by releasing crapulent straight-to-video sequels. I dislike the heavy hand they hold over ABC and its other television properties. Euro Disney. Need I say more? Besides, us Winnipeggers hold a special fondness for Winnie the Pooh -- Milne's version of Pooh took his name from a bear cub that was a mascot for a World War I Canadian infantry brigade hailing from Manitoba. I doubt that any of the royalty money will make its was to the Peg, but I can't escape the "stick it to the man" thrill of it all.

More search engine weirdness:
celebrity's pets - kobe bryant -- That's me...Dr. Gord veterinarian to the stars. (3rd, Google)
two-gallon fishbowl -- It's nice to see the Epic of the Goldfish getting a few hits. (8th, Google)
"parking lot sex" -- The tale of my deflowering ranks a miserable 61st in Google's index. How demeaning. (61st, Google)

February 22, 2003 (1:54 a.m. CST)
I'm pretty worn out, so I'll keep this short. Well, relatively short.

In lieu of writing a long post, I'll just be happy with linking a couple of stories uncovered on FARK. It's been an interesting week, with barges exploding off Staten Island, huge Rice Krispie bars and British officials telling teenagers to stick to blowjobs.

Because I'm too pooped to think of anything original to say, I bring you the debut of "The Best of Gord's Blog." Yes, this is a cop-out. Yes, this is a blatant ripoff of the famous Dilbert strip Wally's in-cube sabbatical and his "Best of Wally" e-mail series. I don't care, I'm using burnt orange text. And BLOCKQUOTE tags.

April 4, 2002 (2:29 a.m. CST)
I've always harbored a secret desire to pursue a music career. While I am possessed of minor musical talent, it's probably best to leave my aspirations hidden within the folds of my hyperactive imagination.

My first fantasy musical collaborator was my best friend throughout elementary school, Devon. While recording a tape for our fictitious radio station CRUD, I ad-libbed the lyrics to the latest hit single from the Mongoloid Biker Punks From Hell, poetically entitled "Suck My Sweat, Puke On Me." It was a love song. Later we formulated their follow-up single "Burning Doorknobs." What can I say; we were 11. Devon and I later formed a hip hop duo: he was MC Lamppost, and I was DJ Whitebred G. Being white suburban kids from Canada, we felt it best not to even pretend we knew what the hell we were doing and record ourselves.

My aspirations didn't end there. A few years ago, I thought that the Various Artists would be a good name for a band, if not for any other reason than for the anarchistic pleasure of watching record store owners furrow their brows wondering how to catalog our music. Of course, the Various Artists' first album would be called "Self-Titled" (a joke that lost its edge after a fellow Toban scribe reminded me of R.E.M.'s Eponymous EP).

And now, were I to form my fantasy band, it would be an electronic music collaboration called Slackbash. I've also considered forming a Sims band called The Reticulating Splines.