April 23, 2002 (11:02 p.m. CDT)
I just finished digging at my thigh with a finishing nail. No, I'm not getting into self-mutilation, I just had a nasty pimple/welt that needed prodding. Now that you're completely disgusted, let's move onto nicer topics.

I'm starting to collect images for my "Photoshop fodder" file. Having a store of decent, hi-res images will make entering Photoshop contests quicker. And no, that doesn't include porn...that's in another folder completely.

I'm trying to convince Fungushead to switch over to DSL. That in itself isn't that bad, but she's raising a stink about having to change our phone number -- we need to switch local phone providers to get DSL. Apparently, she'll need to spend 30 minutes filling out a form at work to change personal information. Gads, I waste that much time nightly waiting for shit to download. I would get a cable modem, but our shitty apartment complex uses one of those small cable providers who mount a handful of digital satellite dishes on the roof of the laundry room.

When we finally get our hobby farm, I may buy myself a beefalo to go with our horse (horses?) and goat (goats?). I wonder what kind of temperament beefalos have...can one share a pasture with a horse? Or a pen with a goat? Can you milk a beefalow cow? Would you want to? So many questions!

April 23, 2002 (7:35 p.m. CDT)
I thought this merited posting. A National Post article details how the Canadian military has delayed the presentation of medals to Canadian snipers (old link removed) fighting in Afghanistan. Here's a noteworthy excerpt from the story:

During the next four days of fighting, the Newfoundland corporal set what is believed 
to be a record for a long-distance shot under combat conditions, hitting an enemy gunman 
at a distance of 2,430 metres.

That's roughly a mile-and-a-half. Jesus.

April 23, 2002 (7:17 p.m. CDT)
I posted two entries to the Photoshop contest at FARK.com. Why don't you take a look?

I also posted a new rant, the newest installment of the Shirts I've Owned series. It's a silly series, but you'll get a good idea of who I was years ago by reading it. More specifically, you'll be able to determine just how much of a dork I was back then. Weren't we all, though?

If I was a medieval soldier, I'd want a halberd. Better yet, a lochaber axe. That way, I could yank enemy horsemen from their saddles and mercilessly hack away at their exposed, unarmored areas. I'd also like to have skin of steel to deflect arrows and swords, and a harem of beautiful ladies-in-waiting wouldn't be bad, either. And then, this one time, at band camp...

No, I'm not overmedicated. I just sound that way.

April 22, 2002 (3:05 p.m. CDT)
In my haste to make sure I made at least one update to my Web page yesterday (thus avoiding breaking my streak of consecutive days with posts), I changed the font on two pages. Lame, I know, but it does qualify...

This from FARK: New Zealanders are sending bizarre and kinky condolence messages to the Royal Family. Yikes.

I'm going to ramble a bit about a fond memory of mine: Geophysics Field School. Two summers ago, I took a summer course to learn the particulars of performing surveys with various geophysical instruments and techniques. Over two weeks, I learned how to use magnetometers, transits, gravitometers, time-domain electromagnetics and various shallow-depth electromagnetic devices (EM-31 and EM-38), as well as how to perform induced potential (IP) and crude seismic surveys. One of our projects took us to a farm near Arborg, Manitoba. (To find Arborg, find the approximate center of Canada and then search for backwater towns starting with the letter 'A.') This farm, which apparently was about to produce a bumper crop of rocks, was situated over a number of small-scale kaolinite deposits. The bedrock is primarily paleozoic limestones and dolostones, which have chemically eroded to form a karst-like subsurface topography. In the karst depression, clay minerals like smectite and kaolinite -- a white, triclinic mineral commonly used in the bleaching of paper and manufacture of porcelain -- collect. Most of the techniques we used here were surprisingly ineffectual (maybe bringing the magnetometer harness would have been an idea, preventing the need to duct tape the receiver to Lisa), requiring our survey to be based on a single instrument, which only our crotchety TA knew how to use correctly. Either way, we were able to determine likely places for future kaolinite pits, although they'd be small and hardly worth the effort.

What was the point of that story?

April 20, 2002 (7:06 p.m. CDT)
I'm at a loss what to do tomorrow. I doubt I'll want to see a movie, and the skies seem to be threatening us with rain, which would restrict outdoors activity. Hmm...

April 20, 2002 (4:25 p.m. CDT)
I was going to write a post from work yesterday, but my plan was foiled by a computer outage. Our network connection was knocked out, leaving me with only MSPaint and the Canucks/Red Wings hockey game to occupy my time. As a precaution, the voice response unit (the annoying prompts you have to navigate when you call into a customer service line) informed subscribers that our computers were out and we couldn't access their accounts, making the day go by much more slowly.

On the way to work yesterday I saw a number of punchbuggies -- Volkswagen Beetles -- both new and old. Usually, on my 45-minute commute, I can count on seeing a handful of Beetles...five or six on the average. Yesterday, I counted sixteen. Actually, it was probably closer to seventeen or eighteen, I just remember definitely seeing sixteen.

Courtesy of little. yellow. different (see right for link), a picture of Bea Arthur wrestling a velociraptor...

April 19, 2002 (1:50 a.m. CDT)
In news that brings a tear to eyes of Scotsmen worldwide, Illinois is in the process of adopting a state tartan (old link removed). That got me to thinking: does Texas have a state tartan? After some Googling, I found the Texas Bluebonnet Tartan. We also have a state pepper (the jalapeno), a state flying mammal (the Mexican free-tailed bat) and a state vegetable (the 1015 onion), among other official symbols. Some of the states that do have official tartans include Utah (old link removed), New Hampshire, Connecticut (somewhat ugly), Colorado and Georgia (poor bastards, what an ugly sett). I'm going to leave the "weird state symbols" topic for another day; you would be surprised at some of the things that people choose to represent their fellow citizens.

Not to be the curmudgeonly type, but I really need to get my shitty downstairs neighbors evicted. I'm not a good person to live beside if you want to play loud music late at night, or steal my parking space, or (assuming my suspicions are correct) steal the aluminum rims from your neighbor's Ford Mustang. Caramelhead's father thinks the theft victim is trying to defraud his insurance company, citing how the car was nicely jacked up onto improvised blocks of limestone. I still think that asshole downstairs took the rims and sold them to pay the towing costs of some inoperable pick-up truck (not the one he smashed last month) that was abandoned temporarily in our parking lot. Me and my conspiracy theories...

April 19, 2002 (12:51 a.m. CDT)
Five, four Central.

1. What's your favorite TV show and why? -- Right now? CSI is the one network show I watch (more or less) without fail. Good writing, intriguing storylines, perfect setting (you can't beat Vegas for depravity), well-placed computer effects and authentic science (what other Top 20 television show uses a mass spectrometer?) for the geeks and complex characters, played by a very good cast. It makes for a bang-up show. A close second place goes to The Osbournes.

2. Who is your favorite television star? -- Hmm...I'm torn. I have a thing for Debra Messing, but I'm always torn away from Will & Grace by other programs (see above) and work. Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey are stand-outs on SNL.

3. What was your favorite TV show as a child? -- I'll just list a bunch in chronological order: The Dukes of Hazzard, The A-Team, Switchback, Hockey Night in Canada and Late Night with David Letterman.

4. What show do you think should have been cancelled by now? -- Out of the new shows, Watching Ellie and Reba are prime candidates. I'd axe Dawson's Creek and NYPD Blue from the veteran shows, as both have jumped the shark.

5. What new show do you hope escapes the axe this season? -- To be honest, I haven't seen any of them. Based on the reviews (and show concepts), I'd give the imperial thumbs-up to Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Greg the Bunny and Last Call with Carson Daly (I have seen this show).

April 18, 2002 (5:20 p.m. CDT)
In the words of Mr. Peepers: "BAH!"

April 18, 2002 (4:11 p.m. CDT)
Here's my first entry in one of FARK.com's Photoshop contests. I retroactively invited Geddy Lee to my wedding.

When I was in elementary school, I was full of numismatical and philatelic knowledge, as I collected stamps and coins. It was actually a cool thing to do in my school (that doesn't say much for my school, does it?), as many of my classmates also had stamp and/or coin collections. Every month, thee would be a stamp and coin show in the basement of the Charter House Hotel. We'd go as a group: me, Stuart McMillan and Devon Parker were the diehards. We'd go in with our paper route earnings (usually supplemented with some extra cash from our parents) and try to buy as many interesting stamps as possible. My best acquisition was a stamp from the Philippines featuring Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos posing imperiously on some balcony, which I bought just a few months after they were ousted. (No, I wasn't a normal kid.) Sadly, my stamp collection -- along with my coin and comic collections -- was left behind when I permanently left my father's custody in 1988, never to be seen again.

April 18, 2002 (2:05 p.m. CDT)
When I joined the Canadian Armed Forces Reserves in 1992, I did so with the best of intentions: of serving my country and monarch, and possibly going to the former Yugoslavia as a member of Canada's contingent in UNPROFOR, the UN peacekeeping mission in Croatia. incidents like these, where US airmen mistake a live fire exercise for anti-aircraft fire and kill allied troops (who happen to be from a regiment with whom I briefly served), make me glad I got out when I did.

Just when you think you've seen it all, you stumble across homosexual A-Team fan fic (old link removed). There's nothing quite so disconcerting as reading a story involving three of your childhood heroes tangled in a MMM three-way. It's enough to make a child of the 80's turn suicidal...

My brief list of crappy jobs to have in the Middle Ages:

• Food tester
• Gozzard (a herder of geese)
• Driver of the dead body cart (during the Bubonic Plague)
• Loudmouthed astronomer
• Political satirist (esp. in the Papal Territories)
• Lancer of infected boils
• Ratcatcher
• Web designer (remember, this was pre-Flash!)

April 17, 2002 (8:42 p.m. CDT)
Yesterday, a number of tornadoes swept across the Metroplex, striking most notably near the intersections of I-820 and I-20, flattening a pawn shop and rendering a few homes unlivable. I was at school, just a few miles away from the worst damage, but nary a drop of water fell on me.

On the way home, I drove seemingly into a cloud that was warning me: "Don't go home Gord! Danger awaits you there! Certain death lies unseen!" Each streak of lightning flashed its own warning. "What ruse is this, oh Sky?" I asked in return. "I challenge you, defy you to do your worst." The stormcloud didn't get its chance to throw sleet and hail upon me, as it retreated away from me as I rounded I-820 westward. I turned into another cloud, this time one that resembled Droopy Dog, the cartoon character you'd see in the shorts wedged between Tom & Jerry spots. Droopy was staring at me, with his arms outstretched. In his right hand, he held an Emmy statue -- which struck me as being odd, as I don't recall Tom & Jerry ever winning any Emmys. I looked away, presumably to monitor traffic, and by the time that I could look up again, Droopy had morphed into Casper the Friendly Ghost. In the place of the Emmy, was a pulse rifle. Casper didn't seem so friendly any more. I passed unharmed under the muzzle of Casper's weapon, and arrived home safely, despite the ill omens of the first cloud.

In an effort to apply a tourniquet to one of their many wounds spurting blood, the Texas Rangers demoted John Rocker to their AAA affiliate in Oklahoma. He should do well there, if not only because he'll look half-intelligent compared to some of the retards in that state.

April 16, 2002 (11:37 p.m. CDT)
I'm going to bed early today, in the vain hope that I can rid myself of this cold. I don't know if it'll work, but it should keep me from sleeping in tomorrow.

I really need a broadband connection.

April 16, 2002 (7:59 p.m. CDT)
I'm still sick. Sniffly. Snotty.

April 15, 2002 (11:37 p.m. CDT)
I've begun a new series of rants, entitled "Shirts I've Owned." The first few rants will show up on the main Rants page, and subsequently will be moved to their own sub-page.

Todd, the critic from my dating TV post (see below), e-mailed me a link from Slate Magazine. It gives us the dirt about the numerous matchmaking TV shows. While the author of the Slate article had more to work with -- mostly time, planning and the comfort of being paid for your writing -- I like how our analyses stack up. They covered a few shows I missed; I skipped Dismissed and Shipmates (old link removed) because I haven't sat through an entire episode yet, and A Dating Story (another old link removed) out of simple forgetfulness. I however, did manage to spell Aisha Tyler's name correctly, something that Slate's writers, fact checkers and copy editors didn't do. Both my post and Slate's article did single Tyler out from the collection of hosts, hostesses, guests and disembodied voices that narrate these shows.

On a much shittier, jaundiced note, the FDA has posted a warning to physicians and pharmacists regarding possible liver damage to patients taking Serzone, an antidepressant I took for four months last year. According to the warning, I now have a 1 in 900,000 chance of suffering from liver failure causing death or requiring transplant. Lovely.

April 15, 2002 (8:24 p.m. CDT)
I think the UTA gateway server died (again), because I've had problems logging into my shell account the last hour or so. It's let me on now, so I can't bitch too, too much. I do think, however, that the UTA network is somewhat unstable, and maintained far worse than the network at the U of M. Maybe I was spoiled before this...

Ah, one has to admire the Republican Party of Florida, and their attempt to rid the world of Baldwin brothers (old link removed), one at a time. This happens to be my first link submission to FARK.com.

April 15, 2002 (4:54 p.m. CDT)
It turns out that my Hattrick team found itself a miracle. It pounded our last opponents 7-1 in the final regular season match, and my closest rivals lost their final match. This means, although we're tied, that I win the division based on my two wons against them and my overall goal differential. Now we play against a 5th or 6th place team from Div 2 (hopefully a computer-run team) to fight for promotion. Wish us luck...

As you can see, I've made some slight cosmetic changes, namely to the font. I think it makes the page look cleaner, so I may use this font for the remainder of my pages.

April 15, 2002 (2:30 a.m. CDT)
Not much of a post tonight...I'm tired. I was stuck for an hour thinking how to start this post (blogger block?), partially due to the fact that I was distracted by HBO's showing of Almost Famous.

In speaking of Almost Famous, it turns out that Jimmy Fallon (who had a minor role in the movie) and I have birthdates separated by only 26 days. I'm sure it has no specific meaning, but I felt it interesting enough to point out.

French officials are planning to build a third airport to service the Paris area. Unfortunately, this planned airport and the required transportation infrastructure, threatens the graves of hundreds of casualties of the First and Second World Wars (old link removed). Included among the threatened gravesites are those of some 400 Canadians, including VC winner Andrew Mynarski, one of Winnipeg's best known war heroes. Leading the fight against this project (and against the French diplomatic bungling) is Dr. Rey Pagtakhan, the Canadian Minister of Veterans Affairs. Dr. Rey is also a Winnipegger -- my friend Primrose has worked on several of his political campaigns. I hope he sorts out the French... Link courtesy of the National Post.

Fungushead and I decided on The Sweetest Thing for our movie. I'll spare you the review for now, but let it suffice to say that it was funny. Fuck it, here's a review anyways. First of all, the funniest, clean scenes are already in the trailer (hell, some scenes from the trailer never made the final cut of the movie), but the funny, dirty scenes are worth the price of admission if you like juvenile sight gags -- especially those involving Selma Blair fornicating and fellating in public. Cameron Diaz flip-flops between likeable and annoying, but Christina Applegate exudes a brash, appealing sexuality. The direction, however, was inconsistent, serving more as a rapid connection of absurd situations rather than actual storytelling.

At least we got to see Popcorn Dude and the 'Welcome' Euro-Chick during the UA cheeseball, early 1990's-CG "shut your damn cell phones off" short.

Okay, I lied. This seems to be a decent post tonight. I suck.

April 14, 2002 (2:50 p.m. CDT)
Fungushead's still at the barn. Tonight, we may go to see a movie. I've narrow the field down to (in alphabetical order): Changing Lanes, Frailty, The Rookie or The Sweetest Thing. Considering that she was creeped out by The Gift last night, I think my wife will be leaning toward the latter two, being lighter fare.

I posted another Toban article (Past your bedtime #1). Go read, but don't expect much; I was doing some shameless corporate shilling.

April 14, 2002 (1:38 p.m. CDT)
While I returned last night's DVDs, my wife went to see her horse. On the way to the barn, located near Aledo, we pass by Carswell AFB. Thus, it's not uncommon to see B-1B bombers, F-15 Fighting Eagles and F/A-18 Super Hornets airborne over Lake Worth. I'm pretty sure that the are restricted from flying over the city supersonically, however.

I take some comfort knowing that another franchise sucks scrotum more than the Rangers. Here's to the 0-10 Detroit Tigers! The Tigers, as I type this are down 5-2 to the Twins in the bottom of the 4th. Who's the candidate for contraction now, bitch?

April 14, 2002 (4:34 a.m. CDT)
I'm watching MTV2's Most Controversial Videos. You have to give them credit - even though it's being aired at 4 a.m. CDT, they are playing the videos unedited. Even Madonna's "Justify My Love" and Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" (complete with a cunny shot) are given the full treatment. I only wish that thet network had given host Andrew W. K. some Ritalin (or Valium. Or Quaalude. Or Vicodin. Or some other sedative.) prior to filming the show. Björk? BJÖRK?

Caramelhead and I watched The Gift earlier tonight. Altogether, it was a riveting (if not disconcerting, considering our shitty neighbors downstairs) twist on the whodunit concept. Watch out for honest, convincing performances from Keanu Reeves (Yes, Keanu Reeves. Whoa.) and Katie Holmes' breasts (Yes, Katie Holmes' breasts. WHOA!).

April 14, 2002 (3:37 a.m. CDT)
Let me clarify something about my recent post about Transcona. By no means did I wish to imply anything negative about Newfoundland or Newfs by comparing the Rock to Trashcona. I only meant to point the similarity with the way that Winnipeggers mock Transcona-ites to that way that the rest of Canada pokes fun at Newfoundland -- rather unfairly, I should add. Although I've never visited Newfoundland, I do have dear friends who live there, and I hold the province in much higher esteem than fucking Transcona.

April 13, 2002 (5:54 p.m. CDT)
You may notice a few things about my blog that differentiate it from others. Firstly, you'll notice that it's rather light on graphics. You see, my Internet connection at home is limited to 28.8 kbps. As it is, the blog takes long enough to load, I can't image how painfully slow it'd be with dozens of extra inline images. For that same reason, you won't see me take that many "Which X are you?" tests. It's not that I don't take them -- for your information, my hair should be dyed pink, I'd be a CPU if I was a computer component and I'm Enneagram type 5 -- I just don't post the results. This may change pending a faster connection, but I may relegate my test results to a separate page. I also haven't bothered with any blog-related surveys, but that's due more to not caring than anything else.

April 13, 2002 (1:34 p.m. CDT)
Oh my. A man from a suburb in my hometown has developed a theory about the purpose of the Great Pyramids of Giza. Transcona resident Gerald Dupont has come to the conclusion that the Pyramids are a water distillation system, and has spent $20,000 (Canadian dollars) to research his theories. Novel, but unlikely. Transcona, to be frank, is the Newfoundland of Winnipeg. It's this suburb to the eastern extreme of the city that's widely regarded to be the main bastion of Manitoba white trash. The University of Manitoba Geology Club even instituted an informal "Trashcona Award of Excellence" honoring drunken idiocy.

I dated a girl (see Crappy Ex-Flame Rant #14) who, although she wasn't from Transcona, very nearly was. She hailed from Elmwood, the next suburb over. She was a nice girl, but with strong trashy tendencies. She however, liked to go to Bullwinkle's (also known as The Oak, now rechristened The Safari Club), a Transcona bar. I hated this place, and avoided it whenever possible, even skipping her birthday party when it was held there. The two times I went there I hated it: the patrons had chips on their shoulders, the DJs were obnoxious and it was a half-hour drive away from anywhere I've lived. I wouldn't shed any tears it the place (The Oak, not necessarily all of Transcona) burnt to a cinder.

April 13, 2002 (4:20 a.m. CDT)
Friday, I'm in blog.

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? -- Right now, I'd have to say Posados Cafe. It's a chain of Mexican restaurants located in Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana. Their newest location opened half-a-mile from our apartment, so Caramelhead and I go on occasion.

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? -- It depends. Lately it's been Wendy's and Jack in the Box. The local McDonald's is poorly-run and pisses me off. Fungushead likes her Whataburger, but I wish they had better selection.

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? -- 15-20 per cent in my head after the bill arrives, deducting for faults such as slow or rude service, bad food and/or dirty conditions. I will, however, make allowances for how busy the restaurant is. Especially good service may merit larger tips.

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? -- Again, this will vary depending on who I'm eating with (I'd rather share an appetizer than eat one alone) and how hungry I am. I rarely do at restaurants with notoriously large servings (such as Chili's).

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? -- Coke/Pepsi. I don't like paying restaurant prices for alcohol, but I'm usually driving anyway.

April 13, 2002 (12:10 a.m. CDT)
Well, the shitty neighbor downstairs have run afoul of us again. Firstly, his whorish girlfriend parked in our spot, requiring us complaining to the front office. To this, we added another noise complaint and the petty, vindictive act of pointing out to the front office that neither of his vehicles are insured. I'm debating whether or not I should rat him out to the DPS. We'll see if I can get him evicted or his battered truck impounded first.

April 12, 2002 (10:01 p.m. CDT)
Reach out, reach out and touch a space probe that's 7.8 billion miles away. NASA did, when they reprogrammed Voyager 1.

Back when I lived on Valour Road in Winnipeg, I had the privilege of living on one of the most famous streets in Canada. Nothing much ever happened on the street itself -- it was merely a nondescript street in a residential neighborhood in Winnipeg's West End. What was special about the street, however, was the men who lived on it during the First World War. Three men from the same street won the Victoria Cross, the British Empire's highest decoration for valour in combat. The men were then featured in a Heritage Canada vignette that was run during the advertisements shown before movies.

April 12, 2002 (1:59 a.m. CDT)
The Friday Five seems to be up, but I'm short on time and will have to do it from work later this afternoon. See you soon, freaks!

April 12, 2002 (1:59 a.m. CDT)
Friday Five's still down. I'll have to try later this morning. While I sleep and you pant away with anticipation, here's a tongue-in-cheek French, German and Spanish phrasebook.

I'm thinking I should toss back a few beers prior to going to work tomorrow. Okay, more than just a few. I'm hoping that it'll be much slower than the past few days, lest being inebriated may cause some serious problems for me. Then again, it's not like what I do is neurosurgery.

April 12, 2002 (12:43 a.m. CDT)
I'm trying to post my Friday Five, but the site appears to be down. Bloody hell. To pass the time, I'm going to have to download QuickTime so I can view my U.S. Patent and Trademark Office patents.

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell arrived in Israel today with hopes of negotiating a truce between the warring factions. Powell will need to be patient, obstinate, mitigant and clever if he hopes to bring the sides to any kind of middle ground. Nobody asked me, but I think that the only way to solve the problem is to have the UN send in peacekeeping forces and, as in Cyprus, divide the West Bank and Israel with a mile-wide demilitarized zone. I hardly think that either the Israelis or the Palestinians would go for that idea, nor would the U.S. support it. I guess that's why nobody asks me these things.

April 11, 2002 (10:27 p.m. CDT)
Finally, I have my green card! Well, my green card will arrive in upwards of six months, but I do have the I-551 stamp in my passport that serves as a de facto green card.

"I got my green card! I got my green card! Your mom's in rehab! 'Cause she's a crack whore!"

After we finished with the INS (did I mention that yet?), Caramelhead and I went to the barn to give her horse a good scrub-down. It's going to be an interesting place to spend some time. Maybe it's the spectacle of seeing a rat terrier beat up on a coonhound. Maybe it's the chance to watch the horses frolicking in the pasture...especially when the alpha gelding decides to mount the mares. Or maybe it's the hot stripper who boards her horse there. Maybe it's the scent of diesel fuel and horseshit. We don't know.

April 11, 2002 (11:58 a.m. CDT)
A quick post before we go to the INS office for our interview.

Astronauts are expanding the International Space Station as I type this. Yay Canadarm2!

April 11, 2002 (10:55 a.m. CDT)
Some shit-for-brains tried to cut in front of me to use one of the computers in Ransom Hall. Asshole.

Wish me luck with my immigration hearing today...
"Good luck, Gord!"
Thanks.

April 11, 2002 (8:38 a.m. CDT)
I took a look at The Toque today. It purports to be "The World Leader in Canadian Satire," but this is the first I've ever heard of them. I could only find one article that was half-way funny, a story about the devaluation of Canadian Tire money. It's a joke best left for Canadians....and it's pure cheese.

I can hardly wait until the school year is done. Well, actually, not just the school year, but the last few semesters of college. I miss the guys from the rugby club (and the trips to The Springbok and The Mule, both local bars), I miss having a normal relationship with Caramelhead and I miss being guiltless when staying up late fucking about on the Internet.

Have you ever wondered how gays perceive straight men who go to gay bars (old link removed)? Here's the scoop, thanks to the Dallas Observer.

April 11, 2002 (12:21 a.m. CDT)
My soccer team at Hattrick lost last week, and barely scraped up a tie yesterday. I've fallen out of first place, knocking me out of contention for promotion back to Division 2 (unless my rivals, Pipers, lose their last game this weekend and I win mine). Also, two of my starters are out with red cards and my best wing-back is hurt. I'm buggered, and soon I'll need solacement. Time to masturbate, I think...

April 10, 2002 (8:31 p.m. CDT)
I heard an interesting thing on the way to work...a radio commercial using the word exacerbates. I'm glad to know that Cingular isn't dumbing down their commercials.

A few things brought to you by me, via the sweet-assed people at FARK.com:
Yes, the Rangers still suck. (This will be a common theme throughout the next few months). This ESPN article details just how much John Rocker sucks (so far). Again, it'll be a long year for us Rangers fans...

If this was a petition, I'd sign it. The Corporate Mofo thinks that Christina Ricci should eat a sandwich. She's lost a bit of weight -- some people think it's too much. I agree. I miss the buxom Ricci from Sleepy Hollow.

April 10, 2002 (1:14 a.m. CDT)
I'm number one! I'm number one! I'm number one! The Pretty Big Duck in question would be yours truly...and I didn't even have to cheat! Maybe brevity is the soul of wit.

In light of the recent strife in Israel and the (re-)occupied territories, I thought this article from the Onion was poignant.

I've decided that, once Fungushead and I buy our house (expect this in 2-3 years), I'm going to set up the Garden Gnome Exchange Program (GGEP). Although various groups have formed to free these gnomes (namely the Gnome Liberation Front and the FLNJ in France), as far as I can tell these organizations are devoted only to thievery/rescue efforts. According to the Web sites, the gnomes are held in warehouses, released en masse into forests or used in political demonstrations. None of these apparently-leftist factions, however, seem dedicated to the cultural enlightenment of, and exchange of ideas between, garden gnomes. I'm sure I will revisit this topic in time...

One last note before I head to bed: I wish I had watched Sports Night during its original run. I'll have to make reruns suffice.

April 9, 2002 (10:53 p.m. CDT)
Just how I found this should be left unasked, but here is an excerpt from the All Music Guide's profile of the band GWAR:

GWAR is best appreciated with its visual aspects, which are far more creative than their music; indeed, the group received a somewhat stunning Grammy nomination in 1993 for its long-form home video Phallus in Wonderland.

I think I speak for the entire world in saying: "What the fuck?"

I thought this was cool: A VRML Tour of the Milky Way Globular Cluster System (old link removed). Consider this today's geek link. Is that geeky enough for you? No? Then how about this: Derivatives of trimetallic nitride endohedral metallofullerenes may be used to time-release pharmaceuticals and/or radioactive materials(?!) into a host. Fullerenes (also called buckyballs) are complex organic molecules that form hollow, enclosed, three-dimensional crystals that resemble geodesic domes (pioneered by architect R. Buckminster Fuller, hence the name). How's your melon now, braniac?

April 9, 2002 (12:01 p.m. CDT)
Not much to report today in my life. I'm bitter, despondent and overtired. Soon I'll be doglegging my way through the UTA campus to go to my Poly Sci class. It's not tht I'm not looking forward to the chance to perambulate the university, surveying the hotties as they rush to class. I'm just not terribly enthused about the prospect of sitting through this class. I have enough to think about, let alone bothering myself with the demographics of the Republican Party since 1930. Fuck.

Let the shagging begin! MGM/UA and New Line have come to an agreement (old link removed) regarding the title of this year's Austin Powers movie. Groovy, baby! (I think.)

Pancakes make me tired. Going to bed makes me tired. Waking up early makes me tired. Dealing with over-anxious Fungushead makes me tired. Blogging makes me tired, but in a good way.

April 9, 2002 (1:08 a.m. CDT)
Curiouser and curiouser...the next pontiff may be black. I think it's cool, although conservative Europeans may consider him to be a sort of antipope. Will race cause a schism? That's all the Catholics need now, eh?

I wish I could babble more, but it's been a shitty day. Sorry, kids.

April 8, 2002 (1:58 p.m. CDT)
Some areas of Canada have decided to join Saskatchewan and revolt against Daylight Savings Time (old link removed). Silly Luddites.

I read this in a back issue of Sports Illustrated. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers resigned 47-year old punter Bob Cameron to a contract extension through 2004. This should enable him to the become the oldest professional football player ever. Strangely enough, age has not dulled his skills, whatever skills are required for one to be a punter.