Chunky, phlegmy pieces of blog

Mmm...this is good dip.

Did you know that 1-800-COLLECT pitchman Mr.T is a cancer survivor? Neither did I. Apparently, T was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma in 1996 -- but it, unlike his career, is in remission. Go T!

Happy Easter/Passover.

I'm going to try to take in the Texas Rangers game the Thursday after next. Nosebleed seats are dirt cheap ($5), but I may splurge and go for the left field fence tickets, which cost a bourgeois $12. In 3 1/2 weeks, they'll be playing the Blue Jays, who happen to be the favorite team of my mother's common law husband, Ted. My Canadian loyalties will end as soon as 'O Canada' finishes, as I've decided to adopt the dysfunctional Rangers as my own.

We just watched The Heist. I wish I had better things to say about this film. Throughout the progress of the film, Fungushead would ask what was happening and, to be honest, I didn't know myself.

I pick the Indiana Hoosiers to win Monday's NCAA basketball championship. Would I wager on it? Hell no. I know little about college basketball. I do remember, however, that Maryland messed up my NCAA pool bracket a few years ago, and I won't forgive then for that. Besides, any team named after a turtle (terrapin) doesn't strike me as fearsome...

The one thing I miss about working on Macintoshes is the customizable jigsaw puzzle. Do you want to reassemble a picture of a seahorse? Sure! A marijuana plant? Go nuts! Aunt Becky's Christmas fruitcake? Don't hold back, Chester. I'm sure there's a Windows freeware program that does the same thing, but it's not quite the same.

My Peer-to-Peer Review Project review:

Some weblogs start with the noblest of intentions, and then fall into disrepair or neglect. Unfortunately, Mike Terry's Yet Another Damn Blog (old link removed) is one of these. It comprises four days of postings in the space of two weeks, but it has remained stagnant for over a month.

The most troubling thing about this blog isn't necessarily the fact that its author has ignored and/or abandoned it, it's that the few entries showed a great deal of promise. The reader gains insight to the emotions facing someone recovering from the end of a nine-year relationship -- but it is only learned that Mike was recently divorced if one reads the other pages on his Web site.

As the last post on the blog dates February 18, my guess is that Mike will be surprised to learn that his blog was reviewed. (Having submitted my request to join the Peer-to-Peer Review Project (old link removed) in January, even I was surprised to receive the e-mail soliciting my review yesterday.) Perhaps my review will encourage Mike to resurrect his lonesome blog.

The fact remains, however, that seven posts does not a blog make. I find it difficult to come to a decision whether or not to recommend this blog. Maybe for light reading... I'll check back in a few weeks to see if my review spurs any activity.

March 30, 2002 (3:22 p.m. CST)
This is weird. In yesterday's Friday Five, I lauded my choice of the Queen Mother for my dead pool (from 1990 or so). Twelve-and-a-half hours later, she died. Creepy. My blog is the harbinger of death. Let's see if it works...

Melanie Griffith will die soon. So will Dr. Phil. And Lance Bass (in a horrific rocket accident, no doubt).

Tomorrow, I'm having my fingerprints taken (again) for the INS. It's an odd experience -- having grown, balding men rub moisturizer into your fingertips just to make sure that you aren't the deviant criminal. All in the name of the Republic, I suppose...

We (well, I...Fungushead crapped out on me early on) just finished watching Ghost World. My opinions on the movie are divided; Steve Buscemi and Thora Birch gave us wonderfully nuanced performances, but I felt the movie lacked a cohesive direction. Thanks to the wonders of DVD bonus features, we can look to the deleted to get a feel for the editing process. All of four deleted scenes were included, and two were reshoots of a scene that was included with the main cut of the film. Several peripheral characters (Josh, Maxine, Weird Al etc...) were introduced in the first 30 minutes, then left to languish as third-person references for the remainder of the film. I'm hardly an expert, though.

This week's Friday Five, rife with celebrity glitz! And links!

1. If you could eat dinner with and "get to know" one famous person (living or dead), who would you choose? -- There are so many choices...instead of picking one, I'll point out a handful of people who'd make my final list: George Harrison, Leonidas (King of Sparta), Marco Polo, Alfred Hitchcock and Nicole Kidman.

2. Has the death of a famous person ever had an effect on you? Who was it and how did you feel? -- I can't say it has. I don't remember having ever shed a tear for a dead celebrity. That includes the common choices: JFK, Kurt Cobain, Princess Di. To illustrate how much of a heartless bastard I am, I once set up a dead pool with some friends. If I remember correctly, I had Rose Kennedy, Mother Teresa, Ayrton Senna, Sir Alec Guinness on my list (all dead) along with the Queen Mum and Pope John Paul II (she's really old and he's on a death watch. Yes, I will spend eternity in Hell, thank you very much. (old link removed)

3. If you could BE a famous person for 24 hours, who would you choose? -- To my wife's chagrin, I'd have to go with some young actor who gets laid. Often. With many different young ingenues. And it can't be Leo DiCaprio. I'll bet Josh Hartnett gets laid a lot... or maybe Chris Klein.

4. Do people ever tell you that you look like someone famous? Who? -- I bear a disturbing resemblance to a professional wrestler, Jim 'The Anvil' Neidhart. All I need is a neon pink spandex singlet and I have a Hallowe'en costume.

5. Have you ever met anyone famous? -- I walked past Don Cherry in a hotel lobby once, when I was in Calgary, Alberta for a conference. I'm sure he was exhausted after his Hockey Night in Canada telecast -- and likely from dealing with smelly Albertans -- so I left him alone.

My nap was magnificent.

Traffic sucked ass on the way to work. All it takes is one stalled Chevy Suburban in the HOV lane to cause five miles of gridlock chaos on the LBJ Freeway.

The Baptist church closest to us is building a new structure. The artist's conception looks impressive, but all it is right now is a steel girder framework. If I was ambitious enough (or if I cared enough), I'd take pictures, but Baptist churches are ubiquitous in north Texas.

I'm back from the field trip, and I need a nap. The trip was decent, and it could have fared much worse for me. At least I'm not the kid who fell into the scummy koi pond.

I ran into a traffic jam on eastbound I-820 on the way back from the botanical gardens, but managed to rocket past it by exiting onto the frontage road. I hope it clears up in the next three hours, lest my trip to work be a long and painful one. It being Good Friday, call volumes should be low. Depending on how slow it is, I may use the time to make sure that the UTA mirror to my Web page is indexed in Google and/or read Entertainment Weekly.

Ikea has just kicked my ass. I've spent the last eleven hours piecing a lot of pine furniture together (including time devoted to cleaning up the mess and reconnecting the power cables to all of my computer components). Two hammers, a pair of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, a pair of needlenose pliers and several trips to the trash compactor later, my Husar entertainment unit and storage cupboards cum pantry are complete. They do look spiffy, I must admit.

Tomorrow, I am joining my wife's first grade class for a field trip to the botanical gardens to watch the butterflies. It should be fun, even with them ditching the troublemakers on me. I will have to take solace that I'm ditching my Expositional Writing class for the bugs and the shrieking rugrats. I would be doing the class a disservice by calling it anything more than a mammoth waste of time.

Ah...forensic accountancy.

This (old link removed) was sent to me by a couple of friends. Apparently South African youths think that fucking goats will keep them from getting AIDS. Maybe, until one youth who already has AIDS infects a goat (assuming that is possible)... What I find amusing is that the practice is now starting to hurt the goat farming economy. I couldn't make up a sillier story, well maybe I could invent one that doesn't shed a disturbing light on a sub-Saharan African pandemic. But that's just me...

Good thing: I learned how to use text capture on my scanner.

Bad thing: It didn't work with the article I was copying, as the background was too dark. I had to type the article again. Fuck.

Good thing: The next two articles have no background.

Bad thing: it's 4 a.m. and I have to go to class in 4 1/2 hours.

Fuck. Cunt. Shit. Cunt. Did I say that already? Cunt.

I spent an hour typing an article, then deleted it all before I could save it. I'm a dumb-ass. A bitter dumb-ass. Fuck.

Work is flying by today. I'm certainly not complaining, mind you. Not in the least.

One of my supervisors shaved his head, and wore a black shirt and jeans to work today. I joked with him that with his outfit, he now looks like Peter Garrett, the lead singer for Midnight Oil. All he needs to do now is to perfect the herky-jerky dance.

Another Sims expansion pack. Damn, that puts me three behind... Now it's the best selling PC game ever.

Had a good workout today. Rode the recumbent bike for 25 minutes, then tried out Satan's own exercise machine, the variable-incline stair-runner thing-a-ma-bob. It's evil, therefore I like it.

I couldn't have said it better myself...

"Bubbles? C'mon Sharon, I'm Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness. What's so evil about fucking bubbles?"

I still need a nap.

Depending on how well my penne digests, I may work out in an hour or so. Wish me luck. I'm fat, and need to get into better shape for the medical exam for my Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) interview this coming month. Again, wish me luck.

I need a nap.

They're arranging a number of tables outside, likely to accomodate International Students Week. I, however, was hoping to learn that Jimmy Fallon was hosting an outdoor hardcore wrestling event. That would be memorable: Fallon composing song parodies about his favorite grapplers while surrounded by sweaty, stenchy, well-oiled bodies.

Somewhere, I know a horny netizen was titilated by that last paragraph.

Take a look at my Where's George profile. (old link removed)

I'm trying to drum up support for a blog-related newsgroup. That, and a site for blog-owners to trade Google bombs.

I suppose that if I wanted a Google bomb planted on my behalf, it'd have to be for the phrase Pretty Big Duck. Posts I've made to various forums already rank 1-5 on the search.

I found a Googlewhack! My search term: plastering skutterudite. Of course, by linking it here, it no longer will be a whack. Oh well.

Some random Oscar notes:

-- Please tell me I'm not the only person who wanted Samuel L. Jackson to punch the living shit out of that Thoth fool. "Stop your hoppin' 'round, bitch!"
-- Faces from the "What the fuck were they wearing?" files: Gwyneth Paltrow, Peter Owen (make-up artist on Lord of the Rings) and Nicole Kidman.
-- Where did Will Smith disappear to? He was there at the start of the broadcast, but was conspicuously absent during the presentation of the award for which he was nominated.
-- In speaking of conspicuous absences, where did Jennifer Connelly's boobies go to? I keep thinking of the trailers for Career Opportunities which featured a buxom Connelly seductively riding (if at all possible) one of those mechanical horses for kids while sucking on a lollipop. Yowza.
-- I hope the Best Animated Feature category doesn't force us to sit through future "shots" of the animated characters in the audience. I don't know what was more painful, the horrible emoting of the human actors sitting "beside" Donkey, or the inexplicable "instant replay" of Shrek giving Donkey a noogie.
-- Tom Cruise + facial hair = memories of Cliff Claven during Cheers' beard-growing contest.

There's nothing sexy about updating meta tags. Amusing, yes, especially if you add strange keywords. But hardly sexy.

I hate forgetting to adjust the date tags. I suck.

I really need to set up an archive page. Or two.

I'm going to try the smaller font size for a while, just to see how it works. I may experiment with the font to see if I can make this page cleaner.

Caramelhead and I were supposed to have our taxes done on Tuesday, but Mother Nature did not will it to be so. Instead, we were treated to a fierce thunderstorm, which knocked out most of the neighborhood's electricity (but thankfully not ours), including that of H&R Block.

*5*

1. What is your favorite time of year? -- Winter. Bitter cold winter. Living in Texas takes some of the lustre off of that though...

2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season? -- When I was living in Winnipeg, it was the bitter cold and the fact that I can tolerate the cold so well (because of my body's freakish propensity for pumping out heat). Now that I'm in Texas, it's the fact that everybody at home is miserable during winter and I'm wearing shorts while grilling on my balcony on February 28th.

3. What is your least favorite time of year? Why? -- Probably that wet, dismal period between the end of winter and the honest-to-goodness start of spring.

4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons? -- Not really. In Winnipeg, the end of winter is marked by the ritual tucking in of the block heater cords. No, those aren't cords for electric cars, they're electric heaters that prevent engine blocks from seizing in -40 C temperatures.

5. What's your favorite thing to do outside? -- Rugby, cycling, walking/hiking and chipping away at outcrops with a rock hammer.

I have hair. Well, that goes without saying, but I have too much hair. Nearly too much. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't smelly hair.

We bought our dog a rawhide bone that's much too big for her. It's amusing watching her struggling with the dog-logistics of gnawing it into submission.

Jon Stewart just used the phrase "minor cock-disagreements" on The Daily Show.

Just a short post for now...I thought I would link to The Angry Clam (Old link removed). It's a political blog that seems to poke fun at both sides of the political spectrum of California politics. Have fun, kids.

Five for figh...er...perusing

1. What's your favorite animal? -- Goats...definately goats. They're versatile, stubborn and erotic...just like me.

2. What pets have you had in your lifetime? -- Several dogs, a few cats and a tank full of goldfish. Currently, we have one dog, Cassie, who happens to be afraid of her own farts. My wife owns a horse, Meagan, who will be joining us in Texas next month.

3. Is there any specific pet that you've wanted but never had? Why? -- Not really, I've had inklings to get various pets, but usually my living conditions have prevented me, and I let the matter drop. Now that I have my own (pet-friendly) apartment, I'm able to get pets galore.

4. Are you allergic to any animals? -- Just cats, but I've never liked them much anyways.

5. Do you have any 'pet' pet peeves (your pets or others')? -- Well, my dog smells a bit. And she's a bit clingy. However, she doesn't shit on the floor or chew things, so it could be much worse. As far as pets belonging to other people, I only take offence to cases of abuse or neglect. That can turn Gord into a violent man.

Alas, my streak is broken.

I brought up the page for the Friday Five only to find out there won't be one this week. Ugh. I don't have much else to say... I overslept and can't get the sleepy shit out of my eyes (metaphorically, of course).

This just in from the "Beg For Your Job, Bitch" department... apparently all of the supervisors at work are being made to "re-interview" for their positions, which seems to step right out of the pages of American Beauty. Ah, Comcast... cleaning up the deadwood. Just don't fuck up and fire the wrong people.

I'm picking up Caramelhead from the airport in about an hour. I hope she doesn't mind that the apartment hasn't been completely disinfected. A little infection is a good thing in my books.

Regarding my earlier post about TIffany's funbags, I just though of something. Playboy compared the songs on her new album to those of Alanis Morissette. It's funny, Morissette began her career as "Alanis," a cheap Canadian knock-off of teen popsters Tiffany and Debbie (oh... sorry, Deborah) Gibson. Ah yes, now the student becomes the master. How very Kung Fu.

I'm getting my green card! I'm getting my green card!

Heh. One reason I'm posting this entry is to extend my streak of consecutive days with an update to my Web site. Silly me.

I bought the new issue of Playboy tonight. Eighties pop singer Tiffany is the cover girl, dropping her drawers for us all. I bought it partly out of curiosity, and partly out of the desire to fulfill a 15-year old fantasy. I know she's been out of the limelight for sometime, but from where'd those funbags sprout?

Musicmatch is being a twat. I've reinstalled it four times, and it fails to load everytime, but only if I register it. I even tried installing an older copy to no avail. The question now is whether I continue to entreat their tech support department for help, or just wait until I reinstall Windows. Also disturbing is the lack of new drivers for my sound card. Considering that Microsoft has noted (in their online knowledge database) that one of the Soundblaster Live driver files as having a known conflict in W2K, one would think that an updated file would be issued by Creative. Nope.

Seven-car pileup on Hwy 183. Ouch...it makes me glad I don't take that route home on my commute anymore. Yes, I am a mercenary bastard, and I do hope everyone is okay.

I must thank UTA for their lax monitoring of the computers in the Ransom Hall lab. With relative ease, you can choose any one of the many P2P applications surreptitiously installed on the computers to download copyrighted material, use the CD-RW drive to copy the songs and take them home. All of this, of course is a hypothetical situation; I would never use university property to violate intellectual property laws. Of course.

I need to clean. Fungushead gets back in two days, so I need to appease her by making the place presentable. Dishes, vacuuming, bathrooms, laundry. Ugh. I need a hot Siberian maid...I have something that needs cleaning. I'm a fountain of wit tonight, fuck.

Yeah, yeah...I didn't post yesterday. Sue me.

After watching Evolution, I have reaffirmed my crush on Julianne Moore. Unlike most of my celebrity crushes of the past (Nicole Kidman, Jodie Foster, Janeane Garofalo), Julianne is contentedly married and bearing children. I'm tempted to go out and rent Boogie Nights again, just to see her boobies. Seeing Heather Graham's boobies wouldn't hurt, either. Did I just use the word "boobies" in two consecutive sentences? Yikes.

I think that after I finish my Crappy Ex-Flame rants, I may do a series of rants on my Celebrity Crushes. Either that, or "Shirts I've Owned."

I'm restless. Shit on TV, not patient enough to do any homework or reading. So, I'm just sitting here on the computer, waiting for LimeWire to finish downloading. My dog is contenting herself with a rawhide bone, but looks to be done in less than 10 minutes. I'm tempted to run to Blockbuster to get a DVD, just to occupy myself.

I'm indecisive as well. Up until I came across the VH1 Def Leppard Marathon (ahh, memories of Grade 10), I couldn't settle on any of the shitty programs on TV. I can't decide what to have for supper. I'm sure picking out a DVD (assuming I get one) will be equally as frustrating.

I did decide on my movie this afternoon, though...I saw The Time Machine. Unfortunately, the reviews were accurate. Strangely enough, the worst CGI effect wasn't any of the 800,000-years-in-the-future scenes, but one of the late 19th Century scenes. Big budget sci-fi movies with bad CGI deserve bad reviews. Those burdened with silly plots (with apologies to H. G. Wells) deserve anal rapings in the press.

Currently on TV -- Def Leppard's In The Round In Your Face on VH1. Yes, Joe, I wanna rock 'n' roll too.

Fungushead's upset I took today off from work. Gads. Anyway, I'm off to the Golden Corral (mmm...greasy) and then to a matinee of The Time Machine...or maybe All About The Benjamins... Jeez, can't I find a decent movie that I haven't seen yet? Even Jimmy Neutron's starting to look good, ffs. Screw it, I'll live and die by H. G. Wells.

Ask me if I'm bitter. Gord, are you bitter? Damn straight I'm bitter! Some cheesedick is parked in my parking spot. For now, all I've done is left a polite, but pointed, note on his/her windshield. If the car's still there tomorrow, I'll park directly behind his car, blocking it in, with a more-pointed and less-polite note left behind. Maybe I'll just call the complex and demand they tow it away instead...

Oooh...my first Friday Five!

1. What makes you homesick? -- The little things about Canada that I miss...Good Host Iced Tea, MuchMusic, cheap tuition, Labatt 50 and, of course, my friends and family.

2. Where is "home" for you? Is it where you are living now, or somewhere else? -- As of this past summer, Dallas-Ft. Worth, Texas.

3. What makes it home for you? People? Things? -- Home is wherever Fungushead and I live. You have to make the best of what you have...and quit bitching. As for things, the most important things you take with you (or import, if they're consumable).

4. Where is the furthest you've been from home, miles-wise? -- Approximately 1392 miles, the distance from Winnipeg to Houston, TX, during a trip with my wife last summer.

5. What are your plans for this weekend? -- Fungushead is heading back to Fargo-Moorhead to visit her parents, so I have the run of the apartment. I'm taking a day off from work on Saturday, which should give me time to catch up on homework, work on the Web site and maybe catch a matinee movie. Saturday evening, I plan to gorge myself at the Golden Corral. I'll spend much of Sunday on a field trip for my Advanced Carbonates class, tooling around Ft. Worth looking at rock outcrops.

It's been a strange day, indeed. My crappy upstairs neighbor (not to be confused with my crappy, truck-crashin' neighbor downstairs) had his late-night judo school open again. I actually tried to get to bed early last night, but was woken up at 1 a.m. or so by the thumping upstairs. Thus, to keep from waking Caramelhead up, I crashed on the couch. Not a good night's sleep by any means. I may take a nap this afternoon, prior to leaving for work...

I also forgot my wallet, which is something I rarely do. I'll have to go hungry until I get home again and finish off my Romano's Macaroni Grill lasagna and chicken parmigiano. That, combined with my need to shave, change into work clothes and walk the dog, will cut into naptime. I miss being the househusband. :(

Why do the Num Lock keys at all the UTA computers turn themselves off at random intervals? Beats the crap out of me...

I was puttering about the Web, reading other peoples blogs when I stumbled across Rob's Amazing Poem Generator. After a few attempts at making poetry out of most of my Web pages (including this one), it carved the Quotes page into this:

The two go together. Kristin, at Perkins, 
on the response 
of like Yanni to the baptism 
of beverages during the had 
guns. And fraternity 
brother Eric 
Robert and me Just 
two go ahead, ask me while driving 
to Kristin. to me while on your 
butt. My sig file.

At first, I thought the ads for MTV's The Osbournes were in jest. A send-up of the reality TV genre. Or maybe an ongoing ad campaign. Maybe Ozzy was going to host the VMA's. I, much to my delight, was wrong. As Bill Simmons (ESPN.com's Sports Guy) would say, "Good times." Good times, indeed. Shit like this drives a man to TiVo.

Starting this week, I'll be participating in The Friday Five. I've also registered at .Blog (old link removed), just to drive up my traffic. Once again, that vanity thing rears its head.

My downstairs neighbor -- the one with the shitty, loud band -- ran his dumpy yellow truck into a pole last weekend. I now believe in the cosmic balance of things. I'm convinced that the fates are punishing him for holding band practices at 3 am or, more likely, for insulting my "faggotty" dog. In Texas, you never poke fun at a man's dog.

Guess what I saw at the movie theatre? Strangely enough, a tiger cub petting zoo. No maulings to report, but I think that one randy tiger cub was getting a bit hungry.

According to a Dallas Observer story, there are more tigers in the state of Texas than all of India. And they're in the backyards of people's homes. Eating small children. I'm sure Kipling could write a refrain or two about this...

Work isn't sucking as much as I expected. We've openly admitted to people that the cable technicians and installers likely will not make it out today, which has drastically reduced our call volume.

The drive to work would've been much better, had it not been for the odd driver (or five) that insist on traveling no faster than 30 mph on major highways. Yes, it is icy and cold, but most of the highways were ice-free by noon, which means YOU CAN DRIVE A LITTLE FASTER, JIZZLICKER! Sorry, that needed to be said.

This is probably as cold as I've ever seen since I moved to Texas. Bitter 40 mph winds, freezing rain...and me in my t-shirt.

I'm a naughty little boy. Very, very naughty. I'm blogging from work, bucking the essentially draconian Internet policy of my workplace. Well, work is dead anyays, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Until they catch me, that is. Our systems personnel, however, don't seem to do much in the way of IP monitoring, so my concern is limited.

Caramelhead and I are going to see 40 Days & 40 Nights on Sunday. Once upon a time, I tried swearing off "self-gratification." I think I lasted three days. My memory tends to be sketchy when I wake up in the morning, and even sketchier when I have a chubby. I think you can piece the rest together...

God bless Comedy Central. It broadcasts several of my favorite shows (Win Ben Stein's Money, Battlebots (they can keep Carmen Electra, however), Sports Night (although it was added to this list somewhat belatedly) and now Beat The Geeks. I have my suspicions that the network already is preparing next year's "Heroes of Black Comedy." There are notable exceptions to their current list of featured comics: Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, the Wayans Brothers (all 93 of them)...the list goes on.